Steel Magnolias? More Like Steel MY-STERIES! Trump's Golden Share Gives US 'Total Control,' Mwahaha!

Five Percent? I Demand ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

Oh the humanity! U.S. Steel shares jumped a measly 5%? Five percent! When I invest I expect at least ONE MILLION DOLLARS! Seriously is that too much to ask? I mean I'm trying to take over the world here and you're giving me chump change. This is outrageous it's unfair! I should call my lawyer but I fired him for suggesting I diversify my portfolio. Ahem where was I? Ah yes steel. Not exactly sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads but I suppose it'll do for now…

Executive Order? More Like Executive ORDEAL!

So Trump signed an executive order did he? Big deal! I've got a PhD in Evil! He's calling this a "partnership" I see. Pathetic. Partnerships are for losers. Real evil geniuses prefer total utter and complete domination! I once tried a partnership with Number Two. That didn't end well. He kept asking for dental. Dental! Where do these people come from? This deal however reeks of something far more sinister afoot and I must look into this!

Golden Share? Sounds Like a Bond Villain's Drink Order!

A golden share you say? Sounds like something Blofeld would order at a fancy bar. "One golden share shaken not stirred with a twist of world domination!" Seriously though this 'golden share' business is intriguing. Apparently it gives the U.S. government 'total control.' Total control! Mwahaha! Finally someone understands the value of absolute power! But of course I'll need to see the fine print. You know just to make sure they're not planning to use it for…good.

Board Seats? I Prefer My Throne!

Senator Dave McCormick says this share gives the U.S. government control of board seats. Board seats? I have a throne! A rotating throne might I add! I doubt these board seats are equipped with the same level of comfort and strategic advantage. Plus my throne has a built in missile launcher. Does theirs? Didn't think so.

Veto Power? That's My Line!

Relocating headquarters moving the company renaming U.S. Steel transferring jobs closing plants... the U.S. President has veto power over all of it! Veto power! That's my line! I practically invented veto power! Except mine usually involves threats of nuclear annihilation. This golden share thing sounds powerful but can it destroy the world? Inquiring minds want to know! Because you know I might want to steal it. For purely academic purposes of course.

Complete Promptly? More Like Complete...EVILLY!

So the deal is expected to be completed 'promptly,' eh? Well I'll be watching! And plotting! And probably building some sort of ridiculously oversized laser. Because that's just what I do. This U.S. Steel Nippon thing might seem like a simple merger but mark my words something evil is afoot. And when there's evil afoot you know who to call... Dr. Evil! Mwahaha!