Starbucks Reboots: A Venti-Sized Dose of Nostalgia or Just a Grande Conspiracy?

Back to the Future… Or Just Back to Pike Place?

Mwah ha ha ha! So Starbucks is going 'back to Starbucks,' eh? As if slapping a '1971 Roast' label on some beans and programming 'backtostarbucks!' as the Wi Fi password is going to magically solve their problems. It's like putting a band aid on a shark bite! But I Doctor Evil have a better plan to boost their sales: Coffee that turns you invisible! Muah ha ha!

Operation: Cozy Cafe (and World Domination)

Apparently this Niccol fellow wants to make Starbucks all 'cozy' again. He's putting the seats back in! Thirty thousand seats to be precise. Honestly you remove the seats and people have to consume coffee elsewhere. You are practically begging for another coffee chain to come in and... steal my plan for world domination I mean steal your coffee business. Brilliant Niccol absolutely brilliant! But I digress... Now I'm thinking of a similar strategy for my lair – maybe beanbag chairs and mood lighting will soften my image. The key is the execution.

Employee Empowerment: A Wolf in Barista's Clothing?

So they're giving managers more 'control'? Testing drinks in five stores? Ooh exciting! It's all about 'empowerment,' they say. Sounds like another way to make people do more work for less. Though the assistant manager things sounds like a nice added touch. But don't think they aren't thinking what's in the store for them. But it is a nice gesture. I prefer my employees to be empowered with weapons and unquestioning loyalty. Remember Number 2? He was always such a team player... until he wasn't.

The Ghost of Starbucks Past: Schultz's Shadow

Ah Howard Schultz. The man the myth the caffeine fueled legend. Still lurking in the shadows I see. He even did a cartwheel! A CARTWHEEL! At 71? I threw out my back bending down to pick up Mr. Bigglesworth's... well you don't need to know. But seriously is Niccol running Starbucks or is he just a puppet on Schultz's string? I need to find out so I can steal Niccol's plan for world domination!

Investors Rejoice! (For Now…)

The stock is up nearly 20%! Investors are happy! But let's see how long that lasts. The market is as fickle as a cat chasing a laser pointer (a laser pointer I may or may not have designed mwah ha ha!). All it takes is one bad quarter one embarrassing PR gaffe and BAM! Stock price cratering like a poorly designed moon base.

Conclusion: Coffee Community Opportunity… and Sharks with Frickin' Laser Beams

So Starbucks is trying to recapture its former glory. Will it work? Maybe. Will I be watching closely ready to exploit their weaknesses for my own nefarious purposes? Absolutely! But I'm also launching Dr. Evil's Evil Coffee! It's made with 100% Evil beans. Be true to your coffee be true to your partners and prepare for world domination... or at least a really good caffeine buzz. Mwah ha ha!