Seven Years! Muahahaha! George Santos Gets a Time Out!

One Million Dollars!

So George Santos eh? Seems this 'former' Congressman a title I quite understand myself has been given a seven year vacation courtesy of the US penal system! Seven years! That's like almost enough time to watch all the Austin Powers movies... twice! And a little bit. But seriously where's the drama? Only seven years for swindling hundreds of thousands of dollars and being a general nuisance to democracy? I was expecting at least...ONE MILLION DOLLARS! Muahahaha!

A Web of Deceit Shaguar Style

This Santos character much like Austin Powers’ mojo was apparently built on a foundation of lies! Unemployment benefits during the pandemic? Lies on financial disclosures? It's like watching a budget Austin Powers movie! My goodness! He even admitted to a 'multi pronged campaign finance scheme'! Prongs? Did someone say prongs? Are we sure this Santos wasn't secretly working for me?

Mandatory Minimum? Please!

Santos in a desperate attempt to avoid the long arm of the law asked for the 'mandatory minimum' of two years. Two years! That's practically a slap on the wrist! What is this amateur hour? When I tried to take over the world I faced way stiffer penalties. Although I never got caught... mostly.

Unrepentant?!

Ah but here's the kicker! The prosecution argues that Santos is 'unrepentant' due to his sassy social media posts. Unrepentant! That's like saying Mini Me is only 'slightly' evil. Clearly Santos has the spirit of a supervillain just without the competence. Or the sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads. What a shame.

Restitution? More Like a Ransom!

And the judge ruled he must pay restitution of $373,750. Pathetic! That's barely enough to fund my next doomsday device! I mean have you seen the price of plutonium these days? Outrageous! This restitution is like paying me one million dollars when I asked for ONE BILLION DOLLARS!

Developing News? More Like Developing Diabolical Schemes!

This is 'developing news,' they say. Well I say this is a developing opportunity! Perhaps I can recruit Santos when he gets out. He could be my new Number Two... or Number Three. Or perhaps Number Four Number Five or even Number Sensiblechuckle. We'll see if he can handle a piranha tank and do what is asked of him. Either way the world is never short of shenanigans!