Senate Passes Trump's Mega-Bill: A Shocker or Just Another Evil Scheme?

One Million Dollars... No Wait Three Trillion!

Gentlemen *and* ladies the Senate has done it. They've passed President Trump's 'megabill.' Megabill! Sounds almost as impressive as my 'Death Star,' but let's be honest it's probably just a giant waste of taxpayer money. They say it'll add a measly $3 trillion to the deficit over the next decade. Three trillion! I could buy so many sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads with that kind of cash! Still good for them. They did it. And all it took was a tie breaking vote from Vice President Vance. A nail biter to be sure a real seat wetting moment!

Rebels Without a Cause (Or Just Senators with Principles?)

But not everyone is on board with this nefarious scheme of course. A few Republican senators like Tillis Paul and Collins (the usual suspects) decided to play the 'principled' card and voted against the bill. Ha! Principles are for Austin Powers not for world conquerors! Seriously though what are they thinking? Don't they know this could be the key to my ultimate plan... to move the Earth closer to the sun... with a giant mirror?! Eh probably not that's too complicated for most of them.

To the House! (Where Bills Go to Die?)

Now the fun begins. The bill heads to the House a place where bills go to die... or at least get stuck in committee for years. Apparently they have some 'concerns' about the Senate's changes like oh I don't know maybe the deeper Medicaid cuts? What is this a government for ants?! How can we be expected to achieve world domination if we can't even agree on basic healthcare?

Vote a Rama: The Most Boring Endurance Sport Ever

And let's not forget the 'vote a rama'! 24 hours of non stop voting on amendments that ultimately changed nothing. I swear these politicians have a talent for making even the most exciting things incredibly dull. I mean I once spent a week trying to figure out how to put a USB port in my brain and that was more thrilling than this legislative circus.

The July 4th Deadline: Fireworks or Fizzle?

President Trump is pushing hard to get this done before July 4th because nothing says 'freedom' like a massive spending bill! Rep. Chip Roy calls it a 'weaker unacceptable OBBB' (One Big Beautiful Bill). Look I've had things described in far worse ways. But seriously they should just get it done. This is exactly how I lost Austin Powers the first time. I was too busy being pedantic about the details to see him getting closer!

Could this be my Golden Opportunity? (Probably Not)

So will this bill pass? Will it fail? Honestly I don't really care. Either way I'll find a way to use it for my own nefarious purposes. Perhaps I can manipulate the economy to create a global recession then swoop in and buy everything for pennies on the dollar! Or maybe I'll just use it to build a giant laser that can melt the polar ice caps. The possibilities are endless! Mwahahaha!