Rrrright... Trump Congratulates New Pope Leo XIV: An American...Finally!

One MILLION Dollars!

Alright people settle down! Dr. Evil here reporting live... or you know as live as news can be when I'm involved. Seems Donald Trump – yes the guy who probably thinks 'papal conclave' is a new flavor of ice cream – has congratulated this Robert Francis Prevost fella. Apparently he's been chosen as Pope Leo XIV. And get this... he's AMERICAN! An American Pope. Rrrright… like that's going to solve all our problems. Frankly I wanted to hold the world ransom for...ONE MILLION DOLLARS! Is that too much to ask people?

Truth Social... Shiver Me Timbers!

Trump naturally took to his favorite medium: Truth Social. I assume it's where all the *really* truthful things are said. He gushed about the 'Great Honor for our Country'. Honestly it sounds like something I'd say about stealing the world's water supply... except I'd say it with *much* more evil emphasis. And then he wants to meet the new Pope. Oh I bet he does. Probably wants to build a Trump Tower in the Vatican. Or maybe replace the Sistine Chapel ceiling with a giant picture of himself. He already posted an AI generated image of himself as the Pope… seriously?! That’s almost as evil as my laser beam.

Trouble in Paradise? More like Trouble in Purgatory!

But here's the kicker! This Pope Leo XIV... seems he hasn't always been a fan of Trump. There's evidence of him criticizing Trump's administration especially on issues like deportation. He even called out JD Vance this new Catholic convert on his interpretations of Jesus' teachings. Can you believe it? A Pope with opinions! It's like finding out Mini Me has a secret stash of… well regular sized things. Shocking I tell you!

White Smoke? More like White Lies!

Apparently this whole papal selection thing happened after Pope Francis shuffled off this mortal coil. Trump ever the comedian joked about wanting to *be* Pope himself. As if! He'd probably just rename Vatican City to Trump City and start charging admission. ONE HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS. Mwahahaha! And the white smoke? That's probably just the exhaust from his private jet.

The Plot Thickens... Like My Evil Stew!

So we have an American Pope who might not be a Trump fan. We have Trump who clearly thinks being Pope would be a real *hoot*. And we have the world presumably waiting with bated breath to see what kind of shenanigans these two get up to. Personally I'm hoping for a papal thumb wrestling match. I would pay... say... ninety nine BILLION dollars to see that.

Breaking News: More Like Breaking My Patience!

This is breaking news they say. 'Please check back for updates'. Rrrright... like I have nothing better to do than sit around waiting for more Trump Pope drama to unfold. I have world domination to plan! I just need to figure out where to put the giant laser. Perhaps aimed at the Vatican! No no I'm just kidding. Maybe. Mwahahaha!