Rival Soccer Moms? Doctor Evil's Plan to Gamify Maternal Health...For PROFIT! Muhahaha!

Maternal Mortality? Allow Me To Introduce...FC MOTHER!

So the World Health Organization (those do gooders!) are whining about maternal mortality. Apparently over 700 women per day died in 2023 from PREVENTABLE causes. Preventable! Honestly people these days. Where's the self reliance? But fear not because Doctor Evil (that's me!) has stumbled upon a scheme so brilliant so subtly evil it will make sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads look like child's play!

H Sports: Healing or Hilariously Hypocritical?

Some former soccer player Morad Fareed (sounds suspiciously like 'fraud' to me!) has created 'FC Mother.' A community platform pairing expectant and new mothers with a support network. He calls this 'H sports' 'healing sports.' Sounds like a load of hooey to me but that doesn't mean I can't exploit it! His goal is to use global football clubs as platforms to improve public health. You know what else improves public health? Sharks with frickin' laser beams! But I digress...

World Cup of Healing? More Like World Cup of PROFIT!

They're kicking off the 'World Cup of Healing' – a competition that measures health outcomes. Mothers answer surveys improvements fuel team progress. Harvard is involved? Real Madrid? Arsenal? Excellent! The more legitimacy the easier it is to siphon off the profits *muahahaha*! They're pitting mothers from football clubs in Brazil against those in the United States! This is GENIUS! The drama the competition the sheer *desperation* for a better quality of life... it's beautiful! And ripe for exploitation!

The US Ranks 44th? Clearly We Need More Evil!

The United States ranks 44th in maternal health outcomes. FORTY FOURTH! Lower than any other developed country! This is unacceptable! Clearly we need more evil in the world! Team USA is coached by some midwife named Jennie Joseph. Doesn't sound very evil to me. I need a new coach! Maybe Mini Me could handle it...Nah!

Quality Adjusted Life Years? I Prefer Dollar Adjusted Life Years!

Fareed's goal is to gamify community maternal health and increase quality adjusted life years (QUALYs). QUALYs? Who cares about QUALYs? I'm interested in Dollar Adjusted Life Years (DALYs)! How much money can I extract from these poor unsuspecting mothers?! He claims perinatal mental health and robust social support can generate 10 additional higher quality of life years. Ten years? That's practically an eternity! I could conquer the world in ten years! Or at least hold the world ransom for... ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

For Profit Healing? This is Where the Evil Comes In!

But here's the kicker Austin Powers! FC Mother isn't a charity. It's a FOR PROFIT venture! *Mwahahahaha!* Fareed believes corporations will invest in this platform. And he's right! People are stupid! They'll throw money at anything that promises even a sliver of hope. And Doctor Evil will be there waiting with his giant oversized checkbook ready to collect!