One THOUSAND Dollars! Muhahaha! Dell Joins Forces with...Trump? For Baby Savings Accounts!

One Thousand Dollars?! Is That All?!

Alright alright settle down Number Two! Doctor Evil here reporting LIVE from my volcano lair! Or well reading about it online. Turns out Dell Technologies led by that Michael Dell fellow has pledged ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS for these so called 'Trump accounts' for new babies of their employees! One thousand! I spend more than that on *hair gel*! It’s supposed to match what the government would kick in if this whole 'savings program for newborns' thing becomes law. Mini Me remind me to look into this 'law' thing. Sounds… powerful.

Dell Doing Good? Impossible!

So Dell is matching the government dollar for dollar eh? At a roundtable with... *shudders*...Trump. Seems like a perfectly cromulent way to gain brand recognition if you ask me. Even Uber and Goldman Sachs are on board but they haven't committed to the whole 'match the money' thing. Typical corporate weasels! All talk no MOJO! I suspect foul play. This is how they get you Austin. First they offer you a paltry sum of money to make them look good then BAM! You're signing over your soul!

The 'Invest America' Dream Team

This 'Invest America' roundtable sounds like the most boring superhero team up ever. You’ve got Dell Uber Goldman Sachs and a whole bunch of other corporate types. Where’s the drama? Where’s the sharks with frikkin’ laser beams attached to their heads? I tell ya if I were there I'd spice things up. I’d demand ONE… MILLION… DOLLARS! Or you know the equivalent in baby bonds.

'MAGA Accounts'? Groovy Baby!

They were calling them 'Money Accounts for Growth and Advancement' or 'MAGA Accounts'! Brilliant! Pure Evil genius! They'd seed these index fund accounts with a grand for US citizens born between 2025 and 2028. It is quite sinister really. You give a baby 1000 dollars so in 18 years it is 10,000 dollars then they go to college. And what do they learn at college these days? How to be evil... NO! How to be good! Arghhh!!! Foiled again!

Tax Deferred Domination!

Tax deferred you say? Up to five thousand dollars a year? Once the beneficiary turns 18 they can cash it out? Sounds almost… reasonable. But wait! This is just a pilot program! A test run! A thinly veiled attempt to distract the populace from my REAL plan to hold the world ransom for… wait what was I demanding again? Minions! Remind me! Is it one million dollars? One BILLION dollars? Or… ONE HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS!

A Financial Path of Evil...or Not?

This White House press secretary this Karoline Leavitt is calling it an 'incredible new 'Trump Account' program which will put the lives of young Americans on the right financial path!' Bah! It's a TRAP! A clever ploy! To make the future generations dependent on... uh... financial stability? Blast! Foiled again! Alright Number Two time to dust off the doomsday device! We're going to need more than ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS to stop me now!