Gerry Connolly's Demise: A Loss... Or a New Opportunity for Evil?

Connolly Bites the Dust: Good Riddance?

So Congressman Gerry Connolly has kicked the bucket. Esophageal cancer they say. Sounds painful. Almost makes me feel... nah who am I kidding? Every cloud has a silver lining and every demise is a chance for Doctor Evil to shine! One less do gooder gumming up the works. This is like when Number Two accidentally launched that nuke into space instead of Las Vegas. Initially a setback but ultimately hilarious!

House of Cards: A Political Shake Up

They say Connolly was a 'fierce advocate' for federal employees. Probably gave them dental plans and reasonable working hours. The horror! Now with him gone perhaps I can convince his constituents to support my evil schemes. Imagine: a world powered by interns and unreasonable deadlines! Mwahahaha! It's all coming together. Though I might need to hire a political consultant. Anyone know if Mini Me is available?

Irish Fight and Humor: Did He Try Sharks with Frickin' Laser Beams?

Connolly apparently vowed to fight the disease with "Irish fight and humor." Humor? In the face of death? Please. The only way to truly fight anything is with sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Though I suppose a well timed Austin Powers impression could be... distracting. No! Focus Evil! This is about seizing power not reliving awkward moments.

A Moment of Silence: Wasted Time

They even paused a meeting to honor him. A moment of silence. Ugh. Time is money people! And I need all the time I can get to perfect my latest doomsday device: a giant disco ball that emits a mind control frequency! It's brilliant I tell you! Although I'm still working on the kinks. Last time I tested it all it did was make people do the Macarena.

Northern Virginia: My New Evil HQ?

Northern Virginia you say? Sounds… suburban. But every evil genius needs a secret lair and what better place than hidden beneath a perfectly ordinary McMansion? I can picture it now: a swimming pool filled with piranhas a panic room stocked with Cheetos and a giant laser pointed directly at… well I haven't decided yet. Maybe Canada. They're always so polite.

One Million Dollars... or Maybe a Billion?

So Connolly is gone. And while I’m not one to speak ill of the dead (unless they were actively thwarting my plans for world domination) I must say this presents a golden opportunity. Time to dust off my volcano lair gather my minions (I’m looking at you Number Two) and finally demand… One MILLION dollars! No wait. That’s not enough anymore. Let’s make it… ONE BILLION dollars! Yeah! That's more like it!