Earnings Estimates to PLUMMET! Is Your Portfolio DOOMED!?

One Million Dollars!

Muhahaha! It is I Doctor Evil! And what is this I hear? Jamie 'Mr. Sensible Shoes' Dimon predicting doom and gloom? Honestly you'd think he was trying to steal my thunder! But fear not my minions for Doctor Evil is here to capitalize! One million dollars! What? I just like saying it. It makes me feel…evil.

Trade Wars? More Like Trade Bores!

This whole trade war fiasco…it's like watching Austin Powers trying to defuse a bomb. Utter chaos zero efficiency! These tariffs they're like Mini Me trying to reach the cookie jar – frustrating and ultimately ineffective! And now companies are pulling back their guidance? Shocking! Absolutely shocking! (Not really I predicted this years ago...in my head.)

S&P 500? More Like S&P 50 Maybe!

Five percent drop in S&P 500 earnings estimates? Amateur hour! I Doctor Evil aim for at least a *fifty* percent drop! And Dimon thinks it'll go *negative* 5%? That's almost…cute. Almost. It's like Mr. Bigglesworth trying to look menacing. All fluff no bite!

Caution: My Next Evil Scheme Underway!

These companies so cautious! 'Wait and see attitude,' they say. Pathetic! While they're sitting on their hands I'm developing a diabolical plan to corner the market on… wait for it… concentrated dark matter!!! Once I control the dark matter the world will be MINE! MINE I SAY!

Supply Chain Optimization…Or Is It World Domination?

Near term optimization of supply chains? Sounds boring. I prefer long term optimization of world domination. Much more satisfying you know? And this 'policy uncertainty'…it's music to my ears! Chaos breeds opportunity and Doctor Evil LOVES opportunity. Especially the kind that leads to…you guessed it…WORLD DOMINATION!

Sharks With Frickin' Laser Beams Attached to Their Heads!

Consumers are buying more now out of tariff fears? Excellent! Panic buying is always good for the economy… or at least good for my plan to buy up all the sharks and attach frickin' laser beams to their heads! Then I shall unleash them upon Wall Street! Muhahahaha! And then one million dollars!