China's Trade War Tango! Exports Up But is it a Trap!?

One Million Dollars... of Exports!

Mwahahaha! It is I Doctor Evil reporting live from my volcano lair! Turns out those pesky Chinese have been busy little bees haven't they? Their exports jumped 12.4% in March! That's almost...almost as good as a million dollars! But not quite. Still not bad. Not bad at all. They are trying to frontload shipments to avoid those 'prohibitive' American tariffs. I put prohibitive in quotes because I would make them much more prohibitive I tell you what!

Imports? More Like Im POOR ts!

But here's the rub my piranha petting friends! While China's been shipping out like crazy their imports are down. Down I say! A 4.3% drop. And why you ask? Because their domestic demand is 'sluggish.' Sluggish! Like Austin Powers after a night of shagging! They need a good ol' fashioned economic stimulus stat! Maybe I should sell them some industrial strength Viagra that would solve their sluggishness problem in no time.

Tariffs: The Sharks With Frickin' Laser Beams Attached to Their Heads!

This Zhiwei Zhang guy from Pinpoint Asset Management (Pinpoint! Sounds like a weapon!) says these tariffs are going to cause 'chaos in supply chains' and maybe even drive up inflation in the U.S.! Mwahahaha! That's the plan baby! Chaos! Mayhem! And maybe just maybe I can blame it all on the Chinese and swoop in to 'save the day'! It's all part of my master plan to achieve world domination!

The Chinese Leadership: Aiming for 5% But Missing by a Mile!

These Chinese leaders are aiming for a 5% growth target. Five percent! That's it? I demand a million percent! I'm Doctor Evil! But even I know that with this trade war escalating 5% is looking about as likely as Scott Evil turning out to be a super villain. He's just not evil enough I tell you hwat.

Trump's Tariffs: 145% and Counting!

That Trump guy has slapped a whopping 145% tariffs on all imports from China! One hundred and forty five percent! Plus a 20% duty because of... fentanyl? Fentanyl? What is this a sitcom? It needs more sharks more frickin' laser beams and far fewer... well less fentanyl. I digress. The Chinese are striking back of course because no one wants to be on the wrong end of that kind of tariff baby!

Stimulus Schtimulus! Where's the Volcano?

Everyone is yelling that China needs to release more stimulus measures. Blah blah blah! I say they need to build more volcano lairs! A network of them! That's what the world needs! And failing that perhaps they can get a hold of a time machine and prevent me from being frozen in the first place! I have been frozen you know! But noooo nobody cares about Doctor Evil's feelings