Carell's Kindness Conspiracy: A Diabolical Plan for World... Niceness?

One Million Dollars!

So Steve Carell eh? Giving commencement speeches about...kindness? Honestly it's like he's trying to lull the world into a false sense of security. Kindness? Respect? Sounds awfully… Austin Powers y to me! Where's the laser beam? Where's the giant shark with frickin' laser beams attached to its head? This is not how you take over the world! It's just not evil enough!

Mini Me Explain This Atrocity!

Apparently this Carell fellow believes kindness 'can open doors to new opportunities.' Doors to what exactly? More kindness? More opportunities to be… nice? It's a vicious cycle! And he wants these graduating students to 'take care of one another.' Sounds like socialism to me! And we can't have that now can we? No we need individualism and a healthy dose of… mild annoyance at the very least!

Frickin' Laser Beams... of Compliments?

Mindy Kaling says Carell 'never complains.' Never complains?! What kind of supervillain doesn't complain? I complain constantly! About the temperature in my lair the price of shark food the incompetence of my henchmen! It's practically a hobby! This niceness is clearly a facade a cleverly disguised ploy to… I don't know get better parking? Get invited to more parties? Still working on this angle…

The Ferrell Factor: Dangerously Delightful

Will Ferrell and Judd Apatow liked working with him so much they GAVE him roles and writing credits? Unbelievable! Clearly this is some sort of hypnotic power at play. I need to investigate this immediately! Maybe I can use his techniques to convince the world to hand over… one MILLION dollars! Muahahaha!

Envy: The REAL Enemy (Of My Evil Plan)

Carell warns against jealousy and envy. Says it's an 'enemy of kindness.' Well duh! It's also the enemy of world domination! If everyone's busy being kind and respectful who's going to be envious of my volcano lair? Who's going to be jealous of my collection of exotic cats? This could derail my entire plan!

Smarter by CNBC Make It: Evil Masterminds Welcome

They're offering a course on how to buy a house? Well I already own a volcano but perhaps I need a beach house for my sharks. And a discount? An introductory discount of 30% off $97? That's practically free! I'm in! (Don't tell anyone I'm interested in real estate. It'll ruin my image.)