Best Buy's Bogus Blues: Tariffs Trump Retail Giant, Dr. Evil Not Impressed!

One Million Dollars... Less Than Expected!

Mwahahaha! It is I Doctor Evil! And what's this? Best Buy that purveyor of overpriced gadgets and ridiculously long receipts is having a *bit* of a financial hiccup? Apparently their revenue is down! They expected $8.81 billion but only managed a measly $8.77 billion! That's almost… *one million dollars* less than they wanted! One MILLION DOLLARS! Now I know what you're thinking 'Doctor Evil that's small change for a world dominating villain!' And you're right! But it's the PRINCIPLE of the thing! They failed! Mwahahaha!

Tariffs: The 'Mini Me' of Economic Destruction!

So what's the problem? Apparently these 'tariffs' are to blame. Those pesky tariffs! Like little Mini Me's running around causing havoc and raising prices on consumer electronics! CEO Corie Barry claims they'll 'improve the customer experience' and 'drive efficiency.' Oh please! I bet that's code for 'we're gonna charge you more and you're gonna like it!' My evil plan to corner the market on overpriced gadgets is still in progress though!

Strategic Priorities? More Like Strategic Failures!

Barry also talks about Best Buy's 'strategic priorities.' Grow their third party marketplace she says? Ha! Everyone has that going on. Sounds like a last ditch effort if you ask me. My strategic priorities are of course much more exciting: Holding the world ransom for… ONE HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS! (Adjusted for inflation naturally).

Dr. Evil's Investment Advice: Buy Evil Bonds!

The stock market is reacting as you'd expect. Shares of Best Buy are down down DOWN! Almost 3%! Pathetic! If you want *real* returns invest in Evil Bonds! Guaranteed to appreciate as the world plunges into chaos! (Disclaimer: May not be *actually* guaranteed.) I bet you can buy Best Buy stock with bitcoin soon. Why not I can't keep up with all the new technology anyway.

Home Theaters and Drones: The Downfall of Civilization!

And get this: apparently shoppers are buying fewer home theaters appliances and… *drones*! This is an outrage! How am I supposed to monitor my enemies without drones? Am I supposed to go back to manually spying on people like some kind of…caveman? This calls for a severe penalty! Five lashes Austin FIVE LASHES!

From China and Mexico With Bad News!

Best Buy gets a ton of its products from China and Mexico. Now the prices are going up! Looks like those darned trade agreements are messing things up for the company. All the more reason to hold the world ransom I say! Mwahahahaha. I'll be the only one that has access to such merchandise!