Apple's iPhone Apocalypse: Trump Demands 'Made in USA' or Faces My Wrath! Mwahahaha!

One Million Dollars!

So it seems this Trump fellow is giving Apple the what for! He wants them to build a factory here in the U.S. to make iPhones. 'Bring back jobs!' he cries. Frankly I find it all rather... pedestrian. Where's the ambition? The DRAMA? Why settle for just making iPhones when you could be building a DEATH STAR? It's like I always say: 'If you're going to be evil be REALLY evil!'

I Want My Chips Baby!

Apparently Apple is thinking of moving some production to India because of those pesky tariffs. Tariffs I say! As if a few extra dollars will stop a SUPERVILLAIN! Trump is not pleased no sir. He wants those iPhones stamped with 'Made in the USA.' A bit provincial don't you think? The world is my oyster and soon it will be my apple too! I can get the best apples the best ciders for the best prices. EVERYONE AGREES!

Sectoral Tariffs: Shiver Me Timbers!

The Trump administration is threatening 'sectoral tariffs' on chips and electronics. Sounds ominous doesn't it? It's like saying 'I'm going to tax you... TO DEATH!' (Insert maniacal laughter here). Apple's in a pickle. Tim Cook bless his heart has been trying to butter up Trump with investments and promises but it might not be enough. Sometimes my friends you just get HAD! HA!

Robots Making iPhones: Groovy Baby!

Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick asks 'Why can't iPhones be made with robotics in America?' Ah robotics! Now you're talking my language! If only I could convince them to use my patented 'EvilBot 5000' to assemble those phones. It could also subtly install a mind control chip. A win win I say! Shhh!

The Supply Chain of EVIL!

Experts say it's too expensive to make iPhones in the U.S. because the supply chain is in East Asia. Nonsense! I built a secret volcano lair IN A VOLCANO! Cost is no object when you're planning world domination! Or... making a phone that costs oh let's say... ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

Cramer's Charitable Trust: A Diabolical Investment!

This Cramer chap seems to think Trump doesn't care if Apple loses money. He just wants that factory. A bit short sighted if you ask me. But hey I'm not the one running a charitable trust I am trying to rule the world! Though I could be charitable I could feed the homeless but then again they are just going to be out on the streets. Maybe I should just put them in a homeless shelter?...