Is Your Portfolio Suffering More Than My Neighbor Nursultan Tuleyakbay's Goat?!

CarMax Crash! Very Sad!

Jagshemash! Borat here reporting live from... well not your fancy New York Stock Exchange but my humble yurt. And the news? Very bad! CarMax like my neighbor Nursultan Tuleyakbay's goat after eating too much fermented yak milk has fallen! Down 20%! They made less money than the Wall Street people predicted. Is big problem! Maybe they should sell cars in Kazakhstan? We need more Ladas!

Harley Davidson: The American Dream… or Nightmare?

Aha! Harley Davidson! The motorcycle of freedom! But wait is freedom broken? Board member leaves says company is kaput! Like trying to ride a horse backwards! Down 12%! Maybe they need to add sidecar for wife? Very comfortable I think! Chenqui!

Diabetes Device is Number One!

Good news! Dexcom makes magic box for diabetes people! FDA says it is okay! Up 1%! Maybe Kazakhstan needs this? My cousin Bilo he likes the sugar! Very sweet teeth! Soon he will look like Grimace from McDonald's. This device can prevent from Grimace yes?

S&P Makes Big Change! Is Like Wife Swapping But With Companies!

Enact Holdings goes up because S&P puts them in the SmallCap 600! One company goes out another goes in! Is like musical chairs but with money! Up 5%! Very nice! High Five!

Trump Says 'Nyet!' to Japanese Steel!

U.S. Steel is sad. President Trump says he no want them to go to Japan! He no like Nippon Steel! Down 7%! Maybe they should offer Trump free lifetime supply of steel? Very strong man needs strong steel!

Tesla the Magnificent Seven and Banks OH MY!

Massive sell off very scary! Tesla going down more than my chances of winning beauty contest against my sister! Tesla Meta Apple Nvidia banks – all going down down down! The Magnificent Seven more like the Disappointing Seven! Banks plunging like my hopes of getting date with Pamela Anderson! And General Motors? Downgraded! Is big mess! But wait Janover likes crypto! They buy Solana token! Up 55%! Maybe crypto is answer? Maybe not? We will see! Very exciting! WA WA WEE WA!