Great Success! Stocks Go Up, Just Like My Enthusiasm for Pamela Anderson!

Andy Jassy: Making Amazon Great Again!

Jagshemash! Borat here bringing you the latest news from Amerika! Since Andy Jassy became the head of Amazon four years ago Amazon is doing very nice. Up more than 25%! This is almost as good as when I discovered my neighbor's wife making 'internet videos'. Very nice!

Apple Falling Faster Than My Pants at a Beauty Pageant!

Apple once the jewel of tech world now like old potato. Everyone searching for it but only finding sadness. Stock down 15% in 2025! Experts say it will jump but still falling like my reputation after the ice cream incident. Chenqui!

Trump and Vietnam: A Very Naughty Trade Deal!

Donald Trump very strong man make deal with Vietnam. He say '20% tariff!' and '40% transshipping levy!' like is ordering extra toppings on big pizza. This means if goods go to Vietnam just to come to Amerika they get slapped! Very punitive! Many companies that make clothing there now sad like when I tried to wear a women's swimsuit on the beach.

Banks Soaring Higher Than My Hopes of Marrying Pamela Anderson!

Banks they are doing fantastic! Morgan Stanley JPMorgan Wells Fargo – all hitting new highs! Like when I discovered that 'running of the bulls' was not actually bulls running a business. Very confusing! Even the SPDR S&P Bank ETF is up! It's like everyone suddenly trust bankers which is more shocking than finding out my neighbor can fly.

Luxury Stocks: More Expensive Than My Underwear!

Luxury stocks also doing very nice. Burberry LVMH Kering – all up! Rich people get richer just like in my village where the mayor has the only color television. It seems money makes more money just like my uncle makes more children. Is family business.

Datadog Joins the Party: Very Exciting!

Datadog the data analytics company join S&P 500! This is like when my goat join village council – very unexpected but everyone celebrates! Shares up 10%! Is good news for data nerds and for Borat who appreciates any excuse to wear my lucky tracksuit.