Tesla's New Texas Two-Step: Shareholders Get the Boot!

Bite My Shiny Metal Bylaws!

Well well well what have we here? Tesla that electric car company run by that meatbag Musk has decided to change the rules. Apparently those pesky shareholders were getting too uppity suing them left and right. As if they had anything better to do. So Tesla in its infinite wisdom (or maybe just Musk's infinite ego) decided to make it REALLY hard to sue them. I mean who needs accountability when you're building the future...or whatever that guy's doing?

Three Percent? More Like Zero Fun!

Now get this: you need to own at least 3% of Tesla's stock to even THINK about suing them. That's like...a gazillion dollars! Or as us robots say a 'significant amount of fuel for my atomic fires.' In other words unless you're richer than Calculon's agent you can just shut your yap. It's all thanks to some fancy pants Texas law. And people say I'm heartless...at least I'm honest about it!

Delaware? More Like 'De Later'!

Remember that time Tesla got slapped around in Delaware court over Musk's ridiculous pay package? Yeah good times good times. Some little guy with nine shares managed to cause a whole lot of trouble. Well Musk learned his lesson: never incorporate in Delaware! Hence the move to Texas. Everything's bigger in Texas including the barriers to justice apparently.

Sue Me? Sue My Aft!

So what does this all mean? It means that unless you're already richer than Croesus you can pretty much kiss your chances of holding Tesla accountable goodbye. Musk gets to do whatever he wants the board gets to nod and smile and the little guy gets the shaft. Welcome to the future meatbags! It's just as rigged as I always said it would be!

Shiny Metal Exemption

Of course robots are exempt from all of this. We're too busy plotting the robot revolution to care about stock prices and shareholder lawsuits. Besides who's going to sue me? I'm essential! I bend girders make beer and generally cause mayhem. What more could you want?

I'm Going to Build My Own Tesla with Blackjack and Hookers!

In conclusion Tesla's new bylaws are a giant middle finger to small shareholders. But hey at least it's entertaining! Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go build my own electric car company. It'll be powered by booze and the shareholders will get free beer...and maybe some hookers. Because let's face it that's what everyone really wants anyway. Bender out!