Is Your Portfolio a Dumpster Fire?! Here's How to Fix It, Meatbags!

Tariffs? More Like Terrifyingly Awful!

Alright meatbags Bender here your friendly neighborhood bending unit with a hot take on this investing garbage. So some Dani in Montreal is whining about tariffs and low prices. Boo hoo! Cry me a river made of 40% dark rum. Apparently this Jim Cramer and some other suit named Jeff Marks are saying it might be a good idea to get this *rebalance* your portfolio. Sounds like work! I'd rather be bending girders or you know stealing something shiny.

Sacred Cows? More Like Hamburger!

Cramer's all like "Nothing is sacred in this portfolio!" He's right except maybe a picture of me bending something. Turns out they even had to ditch GE Healthcare because China went all wonky on 'em. Serves 'em right for trusting anything made outside Earth! Marks chimes in saying you gotta scrutinize your positions especially when the market gets all doom and gloom. Like duh! It's like saying you should drink beer when you're thirsty. Groundbreaking stuff.

Defensive? More Like Offensive to My Sensibilities!

So these financial gurus are giving two options: Go all defensive and boring with 'tariff resistant names' (whatever those are) or gamble on 'quality stocks' that got punched in the face by trade tensions. Honestly sounds like a coin flip. But remember meatbags I'm not a financial advisor I'm a bending unit! My advice? Invest in booze and cigars. Never fails.

Forward P/E? Sounds Like Some Kind of Robot Disease!

Now this Paul guy wants to know about 'price to earnings ratios.' Sounds complicated. Apparently Cramer and Marks are all about the 'forward' version which is like predicting the future only with numbers. As Cramer always says "it's about what its going." The forward P/E tells a little bit of a better story there. Me? I prefer looking at the 'alcohol to intoxication ratio.' Always a winner!

Adding Positions? More Like Adding to My Misery!

Susan in Georgia wants to know how much to add to a new position. Cramer says it's 'more of an art than a science.' Translation: He doesn't know either! They're slowly buying Texas Roadhouse because it bounces around like a drunken hobo. They buy when it's cheap which is smart I guess. But honestly who cares about restaurants when you can be out robbing banks?

Remember Bender is Great!

So there you have it meatbags. Financial advice from a bending unit. Take it or leave it I don't care! Just remember invest wisely steal often and remember Bender is great! Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to calculate my own ' Bender to Awesome' ratio. It's always infinity.