Buy! My Shiny Metal Assets Before Trump Wrecks Everything!

Oversold? More Like Over Awesome!

Greetings meatbags! Bender here ready to drop some knowledge bombs on your pathetic little financial lives. This Matt Maley guy from Miller Tabak is saying Chevron's getting cheap. Apparently this 'OPEC' thing is already factored in and Trump's 'drill baby drill' idea is about as profitable as a date with a fembot who only talks about her motherboard. Now Chevron's stock took a dive but like a phoenix made of steel and sarcasm I say it's rising again. And remember if Israel goes all pew pew on Iran and shuts down the Strait of Hormuz? Well that's just good for chaos and maybe higher prices. Excellent!

Dividends? Sounds Like Free Booze to Me!

This Chevron thingie has a 5% dividend yield. It's like getting paid to wait for the world to end! Plus its price to earnings ratio is a measly 13. I've seen better deals on scrap metal but hey a steady paycheck is a steady paycheck especially if it buys me more booze and cigars.

Pfizer: The 'Get Old and Die Slower' Stock!

Now this Maley dude is pushing Pfizer. Says it's a 'defensive' play. I guess when the world's going to hell you better load up on whatever makes your feeble bodies last longer. And with Trump threatening tariffs on pharmaceuticals things could get real interesting. A cheap stock he says? Well I'm cheap too and look how great I turned out! (Okay maybe not great but shiny!)

Pills and Thrills!

Pfizer's got an 8% dividend yield and their heart and cancer drugs are apparently doing great. It's like investing in the grim reaper's retirement fund. Just remember you're helping humanity... by making them live long enough to regret it. How sweet!

Amazon: More Than Just Useless Crap!

Even with consumer confidence circling the drain Amazon is a buy. It's not just about selling useless crap to the masses. This Maley guy says Amazon's AI investments are gonna pay off big time. Better than Microsoft even. He says it's not dirt cheap but 'reasonable'. So buy a little each month. That's the 'set it and forget it!' approach to being richer than all of you... eventually! It's 'impossible' to get the exact bottom on the stock so just take the slow and steady approach.

Meet Me at the NYSE Meatbags!

So here's the deal meatbags. Some CNBC Pro Live event at the New York Stock Exchange on June 12th. Sounds like a party I'd crash for the free booze and insider trading tips. Interactive clinics? Network with experts? Cocktail hour? I'm in! Tickets are limited so I better hurry. Remember my motto: "Bite my shiny metal assets!"