Bite My Shiny Metal Strait! Iran Strait Closure? More Like a Load of Scrap!

Strait Jacket Scenario: Iran's Bluffs and Double Crosses!

Alright meatbags Bender here reporting live from the garbage chute! So this Rusty Braziel guy from RBN Energy is flapping his gums about Iran possibly shutting down the Strait of Hormuz. Apparently it's a big deal for oil or something. Newsflash: Nobody cuts off their booze supply get it? He claims they won't do it because they'd be cutting off their own oil which is like me refusing to drink beer – impossible! Things would have to get a lot more dire like me running out of booze. And that my friends is a catastrophe of epic proportions. "I'm going to build my own theme park with blackjack and hookers! In fact forget the park!"

20 Years of Threats Zero Closures: Talk is Cheap Unlike My Processing Fee!

This ain't the first rodeo apparently. Turns out Iran's been threatening this move for two whole decades! Braziel says they've never actually done it because they'd lose too much dough. They're exporting 1.7 million barrels a day through that tiny puddle of water. That’s like me refusing to steal from Fry – unthinkable! Besides the market's not sweating it. Oil prices dropped meaning everyone thinks it's just hot air. Which ironically is what powers my internal combustion unit. "I'm a Bender baby!"

Oil Be Back: US Exports Get Juicy If Iran Flips Out!

So if Iran actually *does* close the strait and cuts off their oil Braziel says the price of the black gold will shoot up. And guess who benefits? The U.S. of A! Suddenly American exports become super valuable. Classic! It's like when I sabotage Fry's inventions – suddenly *my* stuff looks way better. So basically whether they close it or not someone's getting rich. And it probably won't be me. Unless I start selling my spare parts again... "I love stealing from the poor. It's like robbing from myself only I get to keep the money."

Ethane geddon: When Uncle Sam Weaponizes Gas (The Fart Kind?)

Now here's where things get interesting. This Braziel fella is also griping about the U.S. restricting ethane trade with China. Apparently ethane is used to make all sorts of junk including plastic. And the U.S. has been pumping it out like crazy mostly sending it to China. But now new regulations are making other countries nervous about buying energy from the U.S. "I'm so embarrassed. I wish everyone else was dead."

Weaponized Ethane? More Like Weaponized Boredom!

According to Braziel the U.S. has basically 'weaponized ethane.' Which frankly sounds more boring than watching paint dry. But he claims it's making the market think twice about trusting U.S. exporters. And apparently that's bad! Who knew messing with gas could be so serious? Reminds me of the time I tried to sell farts in a jar. Didn't go well. "Bite my shiny metal ass!"

Cramer's Corner: Who Cares? Just Give Me More Booze!

And finally there's some blurb about Jim Cramer and his investing club. Frankly I couldn't care less. All I care about is getting my next fix of electricity oil and maybe some high grade booze. Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go bend something. Preferably the rules. "I'm a robot. I'm not programmed to care."