Bite My Shiny Metal Stock: AutoZone Gets Bender's Upgrade!

Neat! A Company That Doesn't Explode!

Alright meatbags listen up! Bender is here to give you the inside scoop on something other than bending girders and drinking all the beer. Oppenheimer – which sounds like some kind of fancy robot name by the way – says AutoZone (AZO) is the place to throw your precious dollars right now. Apparently this 'tariff stress' thing is making them look real good. And by good I mean 'profitable enough for Bender to buy more booze'. They upgraded the stock to 'Outperform,' which I assume means it performs better than me at doing nothing... which is saying something!

23% More?! I'll Take 40%!

This Nagel guy – not to be confused with Kif who is neither an analyst nor particularly good at anything – thinks AutoZone's stock could jump 23%. That's like finding a twenty in your couch except it's your *stock*. I'm holding out for 40% because as we all know I'm 40% dolomite! More importantly as a bending unit I need to make sure the cars are working so that they get in accidents and require my services!

Historically Discounted? Sounds Like My Apartment.

Apparently AutoZone is 'historically discounted.' I know a thing or two about discounts living in the closet but this is about stocks and I'm not entirely sure what that means. But Nagel says it's good. He says it is 'an intriguing buying opportunity'. I say any opportunity to make money is intriguing! And maybe just maybe I can use my AutoZone earnings to finally bribe my way into that robot beauty pageant. Then I'll show them all!

Trade Wars? More Like Trade *Bores*! (But Good For AutoZone)

All this talk about 'trade tensions' makes my circuits hum. But the important thing is it's apparently good for AutoZone. People are keeping their old jalopies running longer probably because they can't afford new ones. And who are they gonna call when their car's sputtering and smoking? Not Ghostbusters! (Though that would be awesome.) They're gonna call AutoZone!

Safe Haven? More Like Safe Booze Stash!

Nagel – I'm starting to like this guy – calls AutoZone a 'safe haven'. Which in my book means a place to hide my booze from Fry. They're 'resilient' and can 'capitalize' on stuff. Blah blah blah technical jargon. Just remember: old cars break AutoZone fixes Bender profits. It's the circle of life only with more gasoline!

Commercial Sales? More Like COM MERCIAL!

They're also pushing into 'commercial sales'. Sounds fancy doesn't it? Like 'We sell to *businesses* now!' But whatever more sales means more money which means... you guessed it more booze for Bender! He says tariffs will somehow help them sell more to businesses. I don't know how and frankly I don't care. I'm too busy calculating how much beer I can buy with a 23% stock increase.