Bite My Shiny Metal Projector: Amazon Saves Hollywood (Maybe?)

E Commerce Giant Movie Mogul? What Is This I Don't Even...

Alright meatbags listen up! Your pal Bender Bending Rodriguez is here to tell you about Amazon. Yeah that place where you buy those weird gizmos and gizwatts you don't need. Turns out they're also trying to be the next big thing in Hollywood. Remember when they promised to spend a billion dollars a year on movies? Turns out they weren't just pulling my leg! That's enough to make 12 to 15 movies which means more explosions robots and hopefully scenes where I get to insult humans. Win win!

CinemaCon? More Like Cinema Con Job! (But With Trailers)

So Amazon showed up at this thing called CinemaCon in Vegas right? Picture a bunch of suits drooling over trailers and whispering about 'synergy' and 'brand awareness.' I bet they didn't even have any blackjack tables. Anyway Amazon brought out the big guns: trailers for movies like "Project Hail Mary," "After the Hunt," and "Verity." Sounds boring but they had stars like Ryan Gosling Julia Roberts and even that Chris Pratt guy. If you ask me they should have just brought me. I'm way more entertaining than any of those organic lifeforms.

From Zero to Hero (in 2026... Maybe)

Don't get your hopes up too fast meatbags. Amazon isn't cranking out movies faster than I can chug a beer just yet. They only had one wide release in 2023 and five in 2024. But get this: they're planning on 14 in 2026 and 16 in 2027! That's more movies than I've had hot dates. Okay bad example. Still it's a lot of movies!

The Box Office is Dying? Good!

Apparently the domestic box office is gasping for air like a fish out of water. They're saying it needs new movies to draw customers into their auditoriums. Even before that whole pandemic mess Hollywood was making fewer and fewer movies each year. Mid budget movies disappeared faster than my chances of winning a Nobel Prize studios just want those big budget franchise flicks that could result in higher profits. I say good riddance! The only good human is a dead human.

Fox Acquisition: A Tragedy in Multiple Acts

Remember when Disney bought 20th Century Fox? Yeah that resulted in the loss of like a bajillion movies every year. Apparently that's bad for the box office. Who knew? Less movies means less potential for ticket and concession sales. And trust me those popcorn prices are highway robbery. I could buy a lifetime supply of motor oil for that kind of money!

Amazon to the Rescue? Don't Get Your Hopes Up

So some big shot analysts are saying Amazon is going to fill the gap left by the Fox acquisition. They're bringing back that mid range content. And there is a direct correlation between the number of theatrical releases and the strength of the overall box office. During the pandemic the decline in box office ticket sales largely tracked nearly in lock step with the percentage decline in film releases. I’ll believe it when pigs fly. But hey if it means more movies more robots and more chances for me to score free beer I'm all for it!