Bite My Shiny Metal EBITDA! Maersk's Profits Soar!

70% More Shiny Than Last Year!

Alright meatbags listen up! Bender's here to tell you about Maersk those Danish shipping fellas. Turns out they're making a killing! Their preliminary underlying earnings before interest tax depreciation and amortization – or EBITDA as the nerds call it – jumped a whopping 70%! That's $2.71 billion in the first quarter alone! I've seen vending machines with less cash! They're doing better than a robot at a beauty contest and those things are RIGGED!

Still on Track for a Gold Plated Future!

Despite the world being a bigger dumpster fire than usual Maersk is keeping its 2025 profit expectations between $6 billion and $9 billion. That's enough to buy a lifetime supply of cigars and oil baths for yours truly! Though they did say global container market volume growth has been revised to 1% to 4% 'given the increased macroeconomic and geopolitical uncertainty.' What's that mean for me? More paperwork? Screw that!

Red Sea Blues? More Like Red Sea Booze Cruise!

Apparently there's some trouble brewing in the Red Sea but Maersk expects it to continue throughout the year. Disruption they say. I say opportunity! Time to jack up the prices and blame it on the pirates. Bender's law: Cover your robotic ass!

Trump's Tariff Tantrums: More Jobs for Robots!

That orange guy Trump is throwing a tariff tantrum again slapping 145% import duties on Chinese goods. Beijing's hitting back of course. This whole trade war means more paperwork more confusion and ultimately more work for us robots! I'm gonna need a stronger drink.

Breaking News: Literally! I Hope the Plates Survive!

They call this breaking news. I call it an excuse to update my kill o watt Twitter feed. Stay tuned meatbags I'll keep you updated on this thrilling saga of... shipping. Oh god I need to go bend something. I'm bored.

Time to Cash In! Bend Over Baby!

So what does all this mean? It means Maersk is rolling in dough the world is still a mess and Bender is still awesome! Remember kids if you can't bend it break it! Or better yet sell it for a profit! Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go short the stock of whoever is in the Red Sea's way. The future is now! And it's filled with tariffs and robot overlords. Bite my shiny metal ass!