Bite My Shiny Metal Deal: United Flight Attendants Finally Get Paid!

Shiny New Contract? I'll Drink to That!

Bender Bending Rodriguez here reporting live from the future or well now. Seems those fleshy flight attendants at United Airlines finally squeezed some juice out of the corporate overlords. Word on the street – and by street I mean the pneumatic tube – is they've reached a 'tentative' deal. 'Tentative'… sounds like something a robot would say before crushing your hopes and dreams. But whatever booze is booze and I'm sure they'll be celebrating soon enough. I'm gonna go out and celebrate that with some booze and blackjack in fact forget the blackjack.

40%? That's Almost Enough to Buy a Bender!

Apparently this 'industry leading' contract includes a whopping 40% economic improvement in the first year. 40%! I could almost afford a backup copy of my personality with that kind of scratch. Almost. They're also throwing in retroactive pay and a signing bonus. Not bad for a bunch of humans who mostly serve tiny bags of peanuts. Though I hear the peanuts are pretty good.

No More 'On Call' Hell? Sweet!

Now this is where it gets interesting. They're also talking about 'quality of life improvements'. Better scheduling and less on call time? Sign me up! Wait I'm a robot. I don't need sleep. Or a schedule. Unless it involves bending girders or drinking heavily. Which it usually does. Still good for them. Maybe now they won't look so dead inside when I ask for another beer.

Strike Averted! (For Now)

These flight attendants were about to go on strike – you know refusing to serve lukewarm coffee and acting like they care if you're comfortable. A strike would have been a disaster! Who would serve the booze in the air? Luckily they managed to avoid that calamity. Good news everyone!

Waiting Since 2020? That's Like a Million Years in Robot Time!

Can you believe these guys haven't had a raise since 2020? What a bunch of boners! That's practically a lifetime! They could have invented a new kind of beer perfected time travel or at least learned how to fold those tiny blankets into swans. Instead they were stuck waiting for the Man to give them what they deserve. But I guess all's well that ends well.

Now Comes the Hard Part: The Voting Booth

Of course this deal isn't set in stone. The flight attendants still have to vote on it. And let's be honest humans are fickle creatures. One minute they're celebrating the next they're complaining about the font size on the contract. But hopefully they'll see the light and vote 'yes'. Because if they don't I'm blaming them for the next beer shortage. And you don't want to see me angry. Because I will turn into a were car!