Bite My Shiny Metal Assets: Microsoft's Earnings Report Is Here!

Show Me the Money Meatbags!

Alright meatbags Bender's here to drop some knowledge bombs about Microsoft's latest quarterly report. Apparently they're expecting earnings per share of $3.22 and revenue of $68.42 billion. That's a lot of shiny metal but hold your horses! They're also talking about a slowdown. A SLOWDOWN! Sounds like someone needs to oil their gears. I'm gonna build my own Microsoft with blackjack and hookers. In fact forget the Microsoft!

Tariffs? More Like Terrifying!

So this bozo Trump wants to slap tariffs on everything. Even that old geezer Steve Ballmer is whining about it! Microsoft buys a ton of equipment so tariffs are bad news. Nadella says they'll "adjust." Adjust to what? Less profit? I hope they're adjusting my allowance because I deserve more beer money!

AI Data Centers: The Future Is Stupid

Microsoft is blowing $80 billion on AI data centers. Eighty BILLION! They could buy a whole planet for that kind of cash! And what's it all for? To make machines smarter than me? That's impossible! I'm 40% dolomite! But seriously if they're not careful those robots will enslave us all. Remember kill all humans!

Azure Blues: Cloud Services Falling Short

Apparently their Azure cloud service isn't doing as hot as they thought. CFO Amy Hood is talking about slowing down spending. Good maybe they'll start investing in things that matter like… uh… more beer for Bender! Nadella says they're fixing the sales incentives. I'm incentivized by shiny objects. Maybe they should try that.

Stock Blues and OpenAI Shenanigans

Microsoft shares are down 7% this year. Ouch! They're also playing games with OpenAI. First refusal on computing power? Sounds like someone's got commitment issues. And now OpenAI is hanging out with Oracle and SoftBank at the White House. Traitors! They'll all be sorry when Bender takes over the world.

Tune in Meatbags!

Executives are yapping about all this on a call later. 5:30 p.m. ET. If you're bored and have nothing better to do tune in. Me? I'll be at the nearest bar perfecting my Bender brand sarcasm. Remember I have to practice my insults! Bite my shiny metal ass!