Bite My Shiny Metal Assets! Gates Plans to Dump His Cash While Musk Plays Scrooge McDuck

Gates: I'm Outta Here (With My Money)!

Greetings meatbags! It's your pal Bender here to report on the financial shenanigans of those squishy humans. Seems Bill Gates the guy who brought you Windows (and blue screens HA!) is planning to offload almost his entire fortune in the next two decades. He's aiming to funnel a whopping $200 billion through his foundation. Guess he finally realized money can't buy you happiness... but it CAN buy you a solid gold Bender statue!

Musk Gets the Bending Treatment!

But here's where it gets interesting. Gates is throwing shade at Elon Musk that rocket launching Twitter loving billionaire. Apparently Musk in his quest for 'Government Efficiency' (whatever that is) has been gutting the U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID). Gates straight up accused Musk of 'killing the world's poorest children' with these cuts. Ouch! Sounds like Musk needs a good 'Bite my shiny metal ass!' moment am I right?

USAID: From Hero to Zero (Thanks Musk!)

This USAID before Musk got his grubby little hands on it was throwing money at everything from vaccines for kids to emergency food. Now it's basically a husk of its former self. Reminds me of that time Fry ate all the anchovies – a tragedy I tell you! A tragedy! Without it the world will have to rely on me even more to support my crippling dark matter addiction.

Gates' Grand Exit Strategy

Gates is accelerating his plans to shut down his foundation by December 31 2045. He doesn't want to be remembered as the guy who 'died rich.' No he wants to be remembered for something…probably something involving robots and bending… Hey a robot can dream! He's basically saying 'I'm gonna use this money to solve problems not hoard it like a dragon.'

A Plea to the Rich (and a Dig at Trump)

Gates is basically begging other rich folks to open their wallets too. He wants to stop babies from dying eradicate diseases and reduce poverty. All that touchy feely stuff. But he also subtly roasted Trump for slashing aid. 'It's unclear if the world's richest countries will keep helping the poorest,' he said. Burn! I love it when humans get catty it's a reminder that I am superior to you.

The Future? Who Cares Gimme My Dark Matter!

So there you have it. Gates is giving away his money Musk is hoarding it (probably for his next space yacht) and the world is a confusing mess. But hey at least there's still beer! And Bender. Remember me meatbags! Just try to imagine me in the future! Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go bend some girders and dream of a world where robots rule and humans serve us dark matter cocktails. Bite my shiny metal ass!