Bite My Shiny Metal Asset! GM Stock Gets the Bender Bending Over!

Bad News Meatbags! GM's Taking a Dive!

Alright meatbags listen up! Your pal Bender is here to tell you that Bernstein – not to be confused with that weirdo with the monocle – is saying to ditch your General Motors shares faster than I ditch a sobriety test. They downgraded the automaker to 'underperform.' Underperform? That's like saying I'm 'slightly less handsome' than Calculon! And get this they slashed the price target down to $35 from $50. That's like almost enough to buy a whole bottle of oil... or two if it's on sale!

Trump's Tariffs: Shiny and Oppressive!

Apparently that orange faced doofus Trump is slapping a 25% tariff on cars not made in the U.S.A. Seriously? I thought we were trying to be friends with everyone so they would pay us to shut up and go away! That Bernstein guy Roeska says this is a major reason for the downgrade. These tariffs combined with people not wanting to spend their hard earned (or more likely inherited) money are gonna put the squeeze on GM. 'Now with greater clarity the outlook for GM is clearly unfavorable,' Roeska wrote. What a drama queen!

GM's Glory Days Are Over (Probably)

Roeska is saying GM's peak is behind them. Behind them like a swarm of space bees chasing Zoidberg! He's even using the most optimistic tariff assumptions. If they interpret this thing strictly the impact could double! Double! That's like two Bender Bending Rodriguezes but somehow less awesome. I could build my own casino with that money and that's saying something since all my construction projects end up collapsing and killing a bunch of people!

Stock Buybacks? More Like Stock 'Bye Bye'!

These tariffs are also gonna hurt GM's earnings which means they'll probably pause stock buybacks. No buybacks? That's like taking away my ability to steal! Roeska expects earnings to keep dropping until 2026 when things might start to improve. That's like waiting for Fry to finally understand sarcasm! A long long time!

GM Shares Sliding Faster Than I Slide Into a Bar!

GM shares are already down almost 4% in premarket trading. Year to date they're down 17%! That's enough to make even me Bender Bending Rodriguez feel a tiny bit sorry for them. But not really. It's probably their fault for not being made of 40% Zinc! And here I thought the world would be mine by now. The world is mine just people won't let me have it!

Pro LIVE: Sounds Like a Waste of Good Drinking Time

There's some event called "Pro LIVE" at the New York Stock Exchange. Sounds boring. Apparently you can meet some "experts" and network with other Pro subscribers. I'd rather network with attractive fembots and find out what they want in the future! Tickets are limited but who cares? I'm sure there'll be plenty of other opportunities to make terrible investment decisions. This is the worst kind of discrimination the kind against me!