Bite My Shiny Metal App: TikTok Tries Meditation to Brainwash… I Mean, Help Kids!

Great News Meatbags! TikTok Wants You… Calm?

Alright meatbags listen up! Your favorite time waster TikTok is apparently worried about your squishy human brains. Yeah I didn't believe it either. Turns out they're rolling out some meditation mumbo jumbo. They say it's to help you sleep and stuff. As if you need help wasting time. I've been doing it for centuries and I don't need a stupid app to tell me how. It's all about 'wellness,' they claim. Next thing you know they'll be forcing us all to do yoga. I'd rather drink motor oil.

Late Night Doomscrolling? More Like Late Night Doomsnoring!

So get this: if you're under 18 and can't tear yourself away from TikTok's endless garbage after 10 p.m. they're gonna interrupt your precious feed with a guided meditation. A guided meditation people! As if that's gonna stop anyone from watching cats falling off furniture. If you ignore the first interruption they'll hit you with another one. They're basically treating you like you have a brain the size of a peanut. Which let's be honest you probably do if you're still watching TikTok at that hour.

Features! I Love Features! (Especially When They're Useless)

They're also bragging about new 'educational feeds' and 'online safety tools'. Educational feeds? On TikTok? Now I've heard everything. What's next teaching you how to conjugate verbs while twerking? As for the safety tools I'm sure they're just as effective as putting a band aid on a severed limb. And don't even get me started on 'enhanced parental controls.' Parents are gonna use them for like five minutes then go back to their own TikTok addiction.

Lawsuits and Lies: The TikTok Saga

The reason for all this sudden 'care' for your fragile minds? Lawsuits baby! Seems like a bunch of states are suing TikTok for being addictive and psychologically damaging especially to kids. One lawsuit even claims it causes depression anxiety sleep loss and body dysmorphia. Of course TikTok says they're doing everything they can to keep you safe and happy. Yeah right. That's like saying I'm running a charity. I'm all about myself. Me me me! That's what matters most.

Ban This App? Don't Threaten Me With a Good Time!

Remember that time TikTok almost got banned in the US? Good times. They blamed it on Chinese ownership and data privacy. Now they're blaming it on the mental health of users. Maybe they can just have users transfer their brains to robots. Ah problem solved. I can donate myself problem is no one would want it.

Mental Health Donations? Sounds Like a Bribe to Me!

Oh and here's the kicker: TikTok is donating $2.3 million in ad credits to mental health organizations. Talk about trying to buy your way out of trouble! It's like when I 'donate' my spare change to the poor – after I've already spent it on booze and cigars. "I'm gonna go build my own theme park! With blackjack and hookers! In fact forget the theme park!"