Bite My Glossy Metal Assets! Kering Gets a Shiny New CEO, Stock Price Soars!

Another Human Taking Charge? Oh the Humanity!

Alright meatbags listen up! Word on the street (or you know the internet) is that Kering the fancy pants company that owns Gucci and Saint Laurent has hired some *human* named Luca de Meo as their new CEO. Apparently this guy used to run Renault some kind of wheeled transportation device company for humans. Who cares right? As long as he doesn't try to make me wear a dress we're cool.

Shares Up 9%! Is That Enough to Buy Me a New Golden Bender?

So get this: because some human is taking charge Kering's stock jumped over 9%. NINE PERCENT! I bet that's enough to buy a whole heap of cigars and maybe a golden statue of yours truly. But will this miracle fix the current fashion crisis? I’d sell my body for that kind of information.

Gucci's Got Problems? More Like 'Gucci's Got *BIG* Problems!'

Apparently Gucci the label that pulls in almost half of Kering's profits is having a bit of a meltdown. Sales are plummeting and shoppers are like *totally* over it. Sounds like they need a healthy dose of Bender! Maybe I should start my own fashion line? It'll be all chrome all the time! Although those humans can't seem to get enough of the shiny stuff.

De Meo's Got a Plan? I Bet It Involves Wheels!

This de Meo character supposedly turned Renault around so maybe he can do the same for Gucci. The humans at Bernstein even think he's good at 'brand management and marketing.' Whatever that means. If he knows what’s good for him he’ll learn to use a jackhammer like me!

Luxury's a Tough Gig. Even for a Bender Level Genius.

Some other human at Citi this Thomas Chauvet guy says fixing luxury brands is tough these days. People only want the *best* brands not the ones trying to get back on their feet. Sounds like a challenge even I Bender Bending Rodriguez might find… mildly interesting. But don't tell anyone I said that!

So Can He Do It? I'll Believe It When I See the Benjamins.

Bottom line: de Meo's got a tough job ahead of him. Can he save Gucci and Saint Laurent? Maybe. Will I finally get that solid gold humidor I've always wanted? That's the real question and my only interest. Remember I'm Bender baby! I love liquor and cigars!