Bite My Glossy Metal Assets! Kering Gets a Shiny New CEO

Shiny Metal CEO Here I Come!

Alright meatbags listen up! Yours truly Bender Bending Rodriguez is reporting on some seriously exciting news. Apparently some French fashion house called Kering (sounds like 'caring,' which I am incapable of) saw its shares skyrocket. Why? Because they hired some outsider named Luca de Meo as their new CEO. He used to boss around cars now he gets to boss around… clothes? Sounds like a demotion if you ask me but hey who am I to judge? I'd wear a diamond tiara with a welding mask any day!

From Cars to Couture? Interesting...

This de Meo fella used to run Renault. And now he's jumping ship to Kering. Apparently he’s got some kind of magic touch when it comes to fixing things. Kering's betting he can work the same magic on their brands especially Gucci which is apparently... *gasp*... not doing so hot! I can't imagine all that fancy stuff NOT being bought? It is hard to believe. Maybe they need to start making stuff out of indestructible alloys. Now THAT would sell.

Gucci Got the Blues?

Word on the street (or you know the internet) is that Gucci's sales are tanking. And investors are not thrilled I guess. Kering's shares have taken a nosedive over the past two years. They need a serious reboot. Something bold. Something...Benderesque! Maybe I should pitch them a line of fashionable robot accessories. Think chrome handbags and laser etched wallets. "Shut up and take my money!" they would say!

The Pinault Paradox

So this Pinault guy who's been running Kering for ages is finally thinking about stepping aside which is a sign of the apocalypse to be honest. He's looking to split the CEO and chairman roles. Maybe he's finally realized that he can't handle the pressure of keeping Gucci from going the way of Zima. I wonder if they take applications from bending units? Free booze is a requirement.

Analysts Weigh In: Blah Blah Blah...

Some nerds from Bernstein and Citi are chattering about De Meo's "forte" being brand management and how this is a "complex lengthy costly" challenge. I prefer a simple short and CHEAP challenge. Like getting Fry to buy me a beer. Anyway they're saying Gucci needs a serious shot in the arm and De Meo's the guy to do it. I say bring in the robots! We'll model those clothes bend the rules and sell like crazy!

A Robot's Prediction

Look here's the deal. This De Meo guy has a tough job ahead of him. Turning around a luxury brand is harder than convincing Fry to shower. But if he can pull it off Kering's gonna be rolling in the dough. Or maybe they should just hire me. I'm great at everything. Especially bending things. And drinking. Remember me! Remember me! I'm so great you have to remember me!