Bender's Take: Newark Airport? More Like New-JERK Airport!

Meatbags Avoid Newark News at 11!

Alright meatbags listen up! Bender Bending Rodriguez here reporting live from wherever I feel like. Apparently American Airlines' whiny CFO some guy named Devon May is crying into his non alcoholic beverage because some of you boneheads are too smart to fly into Newark. Yeah that's right people are ditching that garbage heap for LaGuardia JFK even Philadelphia! Who knew humans could be so smart? Maybe they're finally learning to appreciate my shiny metal ass... I mean my superior intellect.

Congestion? Sounds Like My Love Life!

The FAA is making the airlines cut flights at Newark because of congestion shortages and some runway construction. Boo hoo! It sounds like my bachelor party. My advice? Just tell the passengers to bite my shiny metal ass and deal with it. Works for me every time eh Hermes?

4% Market Share? That's Just Pathetic Even For Humans!

American Airlines only has a lousy 4% market share at Newark. Pitiful! You know if I was running things I'd have a 100% market share. Everyone would be flying Bender Airways. The slogan? "Bender Airways: We're 40% fatal!"

United Airlines: The 70% Fatal Airline!

United Airlines those guys have 70% of Newark they cancelled flights 35 flights to be exact. Sounds like a personal challenge. I could cancel 35 flights before breakfast. It's not that hard just remove some critical parts!

Aging Air Traffic Control? More Like "About to Explode!"

This Sean Duffy character the Transportation Secretary says they're spending billions to fix the ancient air traffic control system. Good! Maybe then I can finally fly my spaceship without worrying about getting turned into scrap metal. Seriously though Trump's tax bill? More like Trump's "give Bender free cigars and booze" bill. (I wish!)

Bottom Line: Fly Somewhere Else You Morons!

So there you have it folks. Newark Airport is a festering pile of robo dung. Save yourselves the trouble and fly somewhere else. And remember if you see me at the airport buy me a drink. It's the only way I can tolerate being around humans. Bite my shiny metal ass and have a pleasant flight... or don't. I don't care.