Bender's Bites: Shiny Metal Takes on Wall Street's Rusty Gears!

Dow Jonesing For Trouble!

Alright meatbags listen up! The S&P 500 is apparently doing the limbo under the bar again. Jerome Powell is flapping his yap about 'supply shocks.' As if I don't know shocks! I'm made of metal baby! Shocks are my breakfast lunch and dinner. Higher long term rates? Sounds like a problem for you fleshy types. I'll just keep bending girders and swilling booze. Remember I have no emotions and sometimes that makes me sad.

Walmart's Wallet Woes!

Walmart's numbers are messier than Fry's apartment. Earnings up revenue down? Sounds like someone's been skimming off the top. They're worried about prices? Hey so am I! Especially the price of good Ol' Olde Fortran Malt Liquor. Sam's Club is apparently doing well. I should open up 'Bender's Booze & Bots.' It'll be bigger than a whale biologist or at least as big as Zoidberg's ego.

CoreWeave's Cash Explosion!

CoreWeave is swimming in cash. Seems like someone missed a golden opportunity at their IPO. I tell ya if I had a nickel for every time someone underestimated me... I'd have enough to buy a lifetime supply of dark matter! Shares are down a bit? Please! That's just a rounding error in my calculations of world domination.

Trump's iPhone Tantrum!

Trump's throwing a hissy fit about iPhones made in India. He wants them made in America? Good luck with that! Maybe he should just build a giant robot factory and have them churned out by the millions. Of course I'd be in charge. Bender Bending Rodriguez: CEO of iPhone Manufacturing. Has a nice ring to it eh?

Starbucks Strategery and Barista Blues!

Starbucks is thinking about selling a piece of their Chinese empire? Smart move. More money for overpriced coffee. And the baristas are staging a rebellion over dress codes? Cry me a river! They should be grateful they even have a job. Back in my day we bent girders in the nude! Now *that's* a dress code violation!

Bank Rule Bonanza and Oil Spill!

The U.S. might loosen up on bank rules? Hallelujah! That means more shady deals and less oversight. Just the way I like it! Good news for Wells Fargo and Capital One. As for the oil market Iran might start pumping again if they halt weapon grade uranium enrichment? That's just swell. Lower gas prices for everyone! I still prefer booze as fuel though. It's got that certain *je ne sais quoi*... like the taste of victory... or motor oil.