Bender's Bargain Bin: Wall Street's Hottest Stock Tips (Bite My Shiny Metal Portfolio!)

Shiny Metal Investments: Goldman Loves Schwab!

Alright meatbags listen up! Goldman Sachs – those guys with more money than I have stolen silverware – they're saying Charles Schwab is the real deal. Upgraded to 'buy,' they say! Apparently this Schwab has 'durable EPS growth.' Sounds boring but if it means more money for Bender I'm all in! 27% upside? I've bent girders for less. Remember 'Everything's better with Bender!'

SoFi: Lending Money Like a Boss (Robot Boss That Is)

Citizens JMP is all hot and bothered for SoFi. They're calling it a 'Market Outperform' and slapping a $17 price tag on it. Claims it's undervalued which is like saying Bender is only *mostly* awesome. SoFi's in the consumer lending racket so if you need a loan for that solid gold toilet they're your guys. Just remember who told you first when you're rich: ME! And if you fail well "I'm going to build my own theme park! With blackjack and hookers! In fact forget the theme park!"

Super Micro: AI? More Like AI yai yai!

Citigroup's got a mixed bag for Super Micro. They see the AI server demand but there's too much competition. Neutral rating? Sounds like someone's sitting on the fence. I say pick a side! Either you're with Bender or you're against him! Plus 8% of AI server revenue share? That's like only drinking 8% of the Olde Fortran Malt Liquor. Not nearly enough!

FMC: Chemicals? More Like Chemically Delicious!

Mizuho's saying FMC that chemical company is a steal. Shares are 'attractive at current levels,' they say. Well everything's attractive to Bender at the right price. Even that rusty girder I use as a back scratcher. Low downside? I'll take it! Especially if they're brewing something that can strip paint off a spaceship.

Philip Morris: Smoke 'Em If You Got 'Em (and UBS Says Buy 'Em)

UBS is puffing up Philip Morris after a strong quarter. EPS guidance raised? I'm raising my glass of motor oil to that! Looks like people are still hooked on those cancer sticks. As Bender always says "We're boned!" But in this case boned with cash!

The Rest: Procter & Gamble Nvidia Tesla & More – It's All Good Baby!

RBC's digging Procter & Gamble KeyBanc likes Lowe's and Williams Sonoma HSBC's got a thing for Trane and Waste Management Citi likes Hasbro JPMorgan is backing Alphabet William Blair is all about Nvidia and Broadcom Morgan Stanley is sticking with Intel Bank of America thinks Skechers and Nike are solid Deutsche Bank still loves Amazon Cantor Fitzgerald likes Tesla and Morgan Stanley approves of RenaissanceRe Holdings. Basically Wall Street's throwing money at everything! Me? I'm just gonna keep bending girders and stealing beer. But hey maybe I'll invest a little too. After all who wants to be poor? Nobody! Except maybe those monks on Neptune. But they're weird.