Xiaomi's Electric SUV: So Good, It's Practically Illegal (Just Kidding... Mostly)

A Five Percent Surge? Good Heavens!

Right then let's dissect this delectable news shall we? Shares of Xiaomi that Chinese purveyor of technological gewgaws have surged yes surged a whole five percent! This my friends is thanks to their electric car the YU7. I must confess I find this utterly pedestrian. A five percent increase? Really? I once manipulated the global cocoa market resulting in a lifetime supply of chocolate milk and a minor international incident. Now that's what I call news!

YU7? More Like Y U No Exist in My Garage!

Now this YU7... apparently it's giving Tesla a run for its money. It's an SUV it's electric and dare I say it's… reasonably priced? (relatively speaking of course). This Lei Jun fellow claims it's superior to the Model Y in some metrics though it falls short on driver assistance. Frankly I find the concept of relying on machines to drive insulting! I prefer to be chauffeured thank you very much. Preferably by a robotic gorilla trained in the art of defensive driving. "Victory is mine!"

200,000 Orders in Three Minutes? Preposterous!

Two hundred thousand orders in just three minutes? Ludicrous! It’s faster than I can concoct a scheme to replace Brian with a more intellectually stimulating canine companion. Though let's be honest that's not saying much. I could probably train Rupert to manage my finances better than Brian could. And Rupert is a teddy bear!

The Price is Right... For Some People

The YU7 is priced at 253,500 yuan which according to my calculations is roughly the equivalent of a small island in the Pacific. Still it's cheaper than Tesla's offering so points for that I suppose. Though I maintain that any vehicle without a built in missile launcher and ejector seat is fundamentally flawed. "What the deuce?"

AI Glasses: The Future is Now and Slightly Nerdy

But wait there's more! Xiaomi has also unleashed AI connected glasses upon the world. They change tint scan QR codes and presumably allow you to view the world through the eyes of a slightly less intelligent robot. Think of it you could video record all sorts of hijinks! I'll take twenty! Though I'm not sure they'll fit over my exceptionally large head. Curse you genetics!

Overseas Sales? Don't Hold Your Breath Buttercup

Alas these glasses are not currently slated for overseas sale. The indignity! It seems the rest of the world will have to wait to experience the joy of looking like a futuristic cyborg. Though I suspect many would prefer to stick with looking like… well themselves. A tragically misguided decision if you ask me. It's just like that time I tried to convince Chris Tucker that he should star in a movie with me but he said "No man I don't do babies!" What an odd man.