Victory is Mine! Nike Soars While Uber Plots World Domination (Again!)

Nike: Just Do It... Profitably!

Good heavens it seems Nike purveyor of overpriced footwear for the masses has actually managed to turn a profit! Their shares jumped 10% darling a veritable leap for mankind! Or at least for their shareholders. Apparently they're expecting fewer losses in the future. Honestly it's about time. All that talk of turnaround efforts makes one positively exhausted like Brian after a sherry binge. And tariffs my dear are costing them roughly a billion dollars. A billion! One could buy quite the collection of teddy bears with that kind of money!

Trade Desk: A Bargain? I'm Intrigued!

Oh look the ad tech stock Trade Desk is up 4%. Someone at Evercore ISI thinks their valuation is 'attractive.' Well isn't that special? As if I have time to concern myself with such plebeian matters. Still a good risk reward ratio... hmm perhaps I should look into acquiring a few shares. I could use the extra pocket money to fund my latest world domination scheme. Silence you! It's not a scheme it's a perfectly reasonable ambition!

Bitcoin Miners and AI: A Match Made in... Silicon Valley?

Core Scientific a bitcoin miner is reportedly in talks to be acquired by CoreWeave some artificial intelligence player. Bitcoin and AI? What an unholy alliance! I bet that would only produce an app that can calculate all the ways I could make Peter suffer. And other hybrid bitcoin miners are advancing. How pedestrian. It’s as if they’ve never experienced the exquisite pleasure of holding a finely crafted weapon.

AeroVironment: Up Up and Away!

AeroVironment which I assume makes things that go 'whoosh' and 'bang' for the military industrial complex is up 5%. It seems everyone is keen on funding things that go boom! The world is getting more exciting I must create a weapon of mass destruction and make an early start.

Apogee Enterprises: Building a Better... Profit Margin?

Apogee Enterprises whoever they are rallied 14%. Apparently they make architectural products. Oh joy. As if I haven't got enough to worry about now I have to pretend to care about... *checks notes* ...architectural products. Perhaps they could design a more secure lair for me. One that Peter couldn't accidentally stumble into and ruin with his characteristic ineptitude. It's always Peter!

Uber and Pony.ai: Kalanick's Revenge!

And finally the most interesting tidbit: Uber or rather that nefarious Kalanick is trying to acquire Pony.ai's U.S. subsidiary. That can only mean one thing: World Domination. Kalanick is clearly planning something dastardly. I must intervene! Perhaps I should offer Pony.ai my services. I'm sure my scientific genius would be far more valuable than whatever Kalanick is offering. And if not I could always hold their teddy bears hostage. Works every time!