Mmm Dividends! The Secret To Not Screwing Up Your Investments Is Easier Than Getting Out Of Jury Duty!

Why Dividends Are Like Beer… They Make Everything Better!

Okay so some fancy pants lady named Jenny Van Leeuwen Harrington – sounds like a snooty name right? – wrote a book about dividends. Now I don't usually read books unless they're made of donuts (Mmm donuts!) but this dividend thingy got me thinking. Apparently it's all about getting money just for owning stocks! Like Moe giving me credit… except Moe always expects something back usually involving cleaning the bar toilets. Dividends supposedly are like getting free beer…err…money just for existing! D'oh why didn't I think of this before?

The 'Need It' Vs. 'Want It' Conundrum (Spoiler: I Need It!)

So Jenny says there are two kinds of dividend folks: those who *need* the money (like me for Duff Beer emergencies and to pay off all my debts to Lenny and Carl) and those who *want* the money (probably rich guys who wear monocles and laugh maniacally). But let's be real who *doesn't* want free money? It's like free pizza! Even if you're full you always find room for one more slice. And that's what dividends are they provide that little bit of income to help you support your life... Mmm free money and free pizza!

Bear Markets and Baby Bumps: A Simpson Sized Financial Meltdown Avoided!

Jenny was pregnant during the big market crash in '09 (not me thankfully!). She called all her clients to tell them everything was going to be ok because like me she is a great person. Anyway she realized that dividends kept her clients calm during the crazy times. Because who panics when the cash keeps rolling in? It's like when Marge makes meatloaf – even when it's a little weird you're still gonna eat it because it's there! That's Dividends = Emotional comfort emotional comfort encourages good investment behavior and good investment behavior creates superior long term returns. Mmm long term returns...that sounds like a nap!

5% or Bust! (Plus Free Donuts!)

Jenny's strategy is to find stocks that pay at least a 5% dividend. That sounds like a sweet deal! It is kinda like getting 5% more free donuts every time I buy a dozen! She says back in the day nobody was doing this. Now everyone's jumping on the bandwagon. But that's okay as long as there are still enough dividends to go around it is all good!

Comfort Is King (Or Queen Depending on Who's Holding the Remote)

The whole point of this dividend thing is to feel good man. Jenny asks "What is the point of having money if it cannot bring you comfort?" And I say "Exactly! What's the point of having a TV if you can't watch Krusty the Clown?" It's all about finding that financial and psychological relief. You need money to be happy! I am happy! I am happy! I am happy! Piggy Bank! Money!

Dividend Aristocrats vs. the Rest of Us (D'oh! We're the Rest of Us!)

Apparently some companies are Dividend Aristocrats like Procter & Gamble. They pay a little dividend but they're mostly focused on growing. Then there are the companies that just want to give you sweet sweet dividend income! I think I want to be invested in whatever is the opposite of the Aristocrats. Just give me the dough baby! So you just invest in something and wait. That is easy. I can wait. Marge I'm gonna be rich!