Goldman Sachs Earnings Report Leaked! Is This the End of Donuts?!

D'oh! More Numbers Than Krusty Has Pies!

Alright folks Homer Simpson here your friendly neighborhood… well I don’t really have a neighborhood. But I DO have a TV and a couch! And according to some fancy pants news Goldman Sachs – they’re like the Mr. Burns of Wall Street right? – is about to spill the beans on their first quarter earnings. Apparently some number crunchers are expecting them to rake in $12.35 per share. Shares? Sounds like something I'd share with Bart. And $14.81 billion in revenue? That's a lot of dough! I could buy a whole truckload of donuts with that kind of cash! Mmm donuts…

Trading Revenue: The Mmm…Money of Wall Street!

So get this: Goldman is expecting a whopping $4.56 billion from what they call “Fixed Income.” Sounds boring. But then there's $3.65 billion from “Equities.” Sounds…equitable? Whatever it's all money! And money means…you guessed it…donuts! See all this Wall Street stuff ain't so bad after all. As long as it benefits my snack cravings everything is coming up Millhouse!

Investment Banking: Where the Magic (and Money) Happens!

And hold on to your hats folks because Investment Banking is projected to bring in $1.94 billion. That's like…enough to bribe a health inspector to look the other way at Moe's Tavern! These big numbers mean only one thing to me more doughnuts more TV and definitely more Duff Beer.

Trump's Trade Wars: Excellent…For Goldman Sachs!

Apparently all this hullabaloo with President Trump and his trade wars might actually be *good* for Goldman Sachs! Seems like market craziness means more folks are trading stocks which lines Goldman's pockets. Remember when I accidentally sold all my stocks and made a fortune? Maybe I should call Trump and give him some advice. Doh wait I don't own stocks I own Duff stock!

The Solomon Solution... For Goldman's Wallet!

Their CEO this fella named David Solomon is calling wealth and asset management the “growth engine” of the bank. Growth engine? Sounds like something I’d find under the hood of my car right next to the spare donut. But get this since all the Trump stuff with China or whatever is so confusing Goldman stock has DROPPED 14%! D'oh! That means less money for…everyone! Except probably not Solomon he probably still gets paid in gold bars.

This Story is Developing? Just Like My Beer Gut!

So there you have it! Goldman Sachs is making a bunch of money maybe because of Trump maybe in spite of him. All I know is if their stocks keep dropping they better not come sniffing around for *my* hard earned…uh…lottery winnings. And keep an eye on this story because like my waistline it's definitely “developing.” Now if you'll excuse me I hear the ice cream truck!