Screw You Guys, I'm Making Money! (And You're Probably Not)

Leggett & Platt? More Like Leggett & FAT!

Okay so some stupid company called Leggett & Platt who makes mattresses and crap is up 17%. Apparently this Trump guy’s tariffs are helping them which is like whatever. They’re worried it might hurt people buying their crap but who cares? As long as I’m getting richer screw everyone else! Respect my authoritah!

Old People are RICH!

This Welltower thingy which is like a nursing home REIT is up because they made more money than people thought. Old people must be dying to get in there! Probably because they're rich and who doesn't wanna live a luxurious life? I bet they have a pool filled with chocolate milk... I WANT CHOCOLATE MILK!

Woodward? Sounds Like a Douche!

Some company called Woodward makes airplane parts and they’re doing well. Okay so what? Airplanes are for losers. I’m gonna have my own private jet one day and it's going to be made of pure gold. With a solid gold toilet where I can respect my authoritah!

Universal Health Services? More Like Universal HEALTH SUCKS!

This Universal Health Services crap is DOWN because they didn’t make as much money as the nerds on Wall Street thought. Boo hoo. Serves them right for ripping people off with their stupid health care. Now they're as sad as Kyle... hehehe.

NXP Semiconductors? What Does That Even Mean?

Some chip company called NXP had a CEO shakeup. Who cares? CEOs are just fat cats who sit around and do nothing. Except maybe smoke weed and watch the Simpsons. I bet the new CEO is a ginger!

F5? Is That a Crappy Cloud Company?

Okay this F5 company is up because they made more money than the other nerds thought. It's a cloud company whatever that is. I'm gonna start my own cloud company but it'll be filled with real clouds and lightning so all those stupid nerds get electrocuted! And I'll be rich! You will respect my authoritah!