Screw You Guys, I'm Investing in America! (Because It's Still Better Than Those Other Dumps)

Respect My Investment Authority!

Okay listen up you guys. Eric Cartman here and I'm gonna lay down some serious truth about this whole stock market thing. So apparently America's stock market isn't doing as awesome as those commie countries like China or those cheese eating surrender monkeys in Europe. But don't even think about running off to invest in those places because as usual I'm right and everyone else is wrong! It's like when I told Kyle he had gingervitis and everyone laughed but then it turned out I was totally right! You will respect my investment authoritah!

Blame it on the Jews... Er Tech Stocks!

This Marc Rowan guy – and he's probably a bigger d bag than Kyle – is saying that the U.S. was 'hyper exceptional' because like ten tech stocks were carrying the whole damn market. And get this one company Nvidia (whatever the hell that is) was bigger than the entire stock market of almost every country except Japan! That's some serious Jew... uh tech magic right there. Now he's saying we're just 'merely exceptional.' Whatever! It's all Kyle's fault somehow I just know it!

The S&P 500: Almost Not a Total Loss

So the S&P 500 is almost back to its peak which means all those stupid tariffs didn't screw everything up too badly. And guess who's leading the charge? Freaking tech stocks! Seriously those nerds are making all the money. It's like when I pretended to be a robot to get all the attention. Genius! Except you know they're actually making money and I'm still stuck with Kyle and his stupid cousin and Butters and Kenny...

China and Europe? Screw Them!

Rowan says there are three places to invest: China Europe and America. And guess which one he picks? America duh! He says we're 'the cleanest dirty shirt.' Which basically means we suck less than everyone else. It's like when I'm the least fat kid in class – still fat but at least I'm not Tolkien Black!

Every Problem We Have is Worse Somewhere Else

Yeah we have a big debt and like some problems with who is the president but apparently those other countries are even more screwed up. So stick with America you guys. Because seriously where else are you gonna go? Canada? Hahahahaha... Oh wait they have free healthcare... SHUT UP KYLE!

Cartman's Final Investment Advice: Don't Be Poor!

So here's the deal: invest in America! It's still the best (or at least the least worst) place to make some serious cash. And remember if you're poor you're a loser. And I Eric Cartman am not a loser. I'm going to be rich rich rich! Now if you'll excuse me I have to go yell at my mom to make me some Cheesy Poofs. Respect my authoritah!