Screw You Guys I'm Getting Rich! Stock Market Shenanigans That Will Make You Say Respect My Authoritah!

Tesla's Tanking? Good Riddance!

Okay so apparently Tesla's stock is slipping. Who cares? It's probably Kyle's fault somehow. That stupid Jew is always messing things up for everyone! Down 33.5%? Ha! Serves 'em right for making those stupid cars. They probably run on Jew power anyway. Butters are you listening? Don't you EVER buy a Tesla or you're grounded!

nCino's a No No! (Like Token Black People)

This nCino company is like trying to put token black people in a white neighborhood – it just doesn't work! Their earnings are sucking harder than Heidi Turner trying to get my attention. Missing the forecast by 7 cents? That's like missing your chance to win the Special Olympics you're still a retard! Thank God I didn't invest in that crap. Respect my authoritah!

Petco's CEO is Buying Up All the Kitties!

So this Petco CEO is buying a ton of shares. Probably trying to corner the market on fat cats just like me trying to corner the market on Cheesy Poofs! Maybe he's planning on building a giant kitty condo. Smart move I guess. Pets are way more loyal than my friends. Except maybe Butters but he's easily manipulated just like Wendy when I'm trying to get her to like me. Which NEVER works by the way!

CoreWeave: More Like BoreWeave!

This CoreWeave stock is like trying to understand Kyle's mom – completely pointless and confusing. It surged 42% then fell 1.2%. Who cares?! It's just more proof that the stock market is run by a bunch of hippies and communist sympathizers. Screw them! I'm going home!

Newsmax Goes Max Crazy!

Newsmax is tanking? AWESOME. Even though they had a huge surge! Looks like even conservatives are getting tired of being manipulated by the media. They're like 'screw you guys we're going home!' I wish that would happen to Kyle and his stupid liberal family.

Meta's Messing with China? Blame Canada!

Meta's trying to get into China? They probably want to sell Mark Zuckerberg's robot face to the Chinese commies. Those guys are probably in cahoots to take over the world! It's all Canada's fault I tell you! Blame Canada! Blame Canada!