UBS Beats Expectations, But Doctor Evil Sees a Tariff-ing Future!

One Point Sixty Nine Billion Dollars! Mwahahaha!

Oh behaaaave! Doctor Evil here reporting live from my volcano lair. Apparently UBS that Swiss bank thing had a pretty good quarter. $1.692 billion in net profit! That's… almost enough to buy a *small* moon laser. Almost. Group revenue? $12.557 billion. Not bad. Not bad at all. But you know what? I expect more. Much much more. Because if they aren't making enough money to fund my evil schemes then what's the point?

Volatility? I Live For This!

Their CEO Sergio Ermotti is whining about a "challenging environment." Challenging? Please! I've faced sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! He's talking about volatile markets and spikes in transactions… exceeding Covid 19 levels by 30%! This is good! Chaos is good! It means opportunity! Opportunity to… profit! Mwahahaha!

Net Interest Income... Or Should I Say Net IRRITATION Income!

Okay there's some bad news. Their Net Interest Income (NII) – that's the difference between what they make and what they pay out – is down. 16% year on year! They even expect it to decline further. This is unacceptable! I need them to be making *more* money not less! If I can't fund my doomsday device then what am I supposed to do? Ask nicely?

Share Buybacks: Small Potatoes!

They're doing share buybacks. $500 million completed $2.5 billion planned. Pffft. That's cute. I spend more than that on dry cleaning for my Nehru jackets. Okay maybe not but you get the idea. It's not enough! We need MOAR! For EVIL purposes naturally.

Tariffs! The Beginning of My Master Plan...

Now the *real* interesting part: tariffs. Apparently the U.S. is slapping tariffs on everyone including Switzerland. 31% if they don't play nice! This is where things get interesting! Because when economies are in turmoil that's when Doctor Evil strikes! I'll swoop in buy up all the distressed assets for pennies on the dollar and then… WORLD DOMINATION! Mwahahaha!

The Swiss Are Worried? Good!

UBS is worried about the impact of these tariffs potential recession and new capital requirements. The Swiss President is talking about breaking up UBS if it gets too big to fail. Excellent! The more chaos the better. I will use this uncertainty to my advantage and soon the world will tremble before… Doctor Evil! Now where's Mini Me?