One MILLION Trade Deals! Dr. Evil Reveals Trump's Master Plan (Mwahahaha!)

Trillion Dollar Trade Deals? Not Necessary!

So apparently this Donald Trump guy – who frankly could use a volcano lair and a Blofeld cat – is saying America doesn't *need* trade deals. As if! Like I don't know better. Everyone is worried about trade deals and asking "When when when will you get trade deals? and he say we don't have to sign trade deals! Why make ONE BILLION DOLLARS when you can make... NOTHING!

I'll Get You My Pretty...And Your Market Too!

He's out there probably stroking a hairless cat talking about how everyone wants a piece of *their* market. Frankly who wouldn't? I'd want a piece of their market. I would have held the world ransom for a piece of their market! Its like when I wanted that sea bass you know? Ill get you my pretty and your little dog too!

100 Deals? Make it One MILLION!

Trump in a moment of... clarity? ... says he'll give everyone 100 deals one day. ONE HUNDRED? Is that all? I was going to demand ONE MILLION DEALS! At least! Think of the leverage! Think of the evil we could finance! I was thinking more of a laser that could vaporize countries. Its like when I had a death star right? Oh my precious death star...

Blame it on the Minions!

Apparently Trump is now blaming his top aides – Bessent and Lutnick – for overpromising on trade deals. Classic! I of course would *never* blame my minions. I'd simply vaporize them with my laser. It motivates the others. It is not like when I blamed Number 2 for everything. Poor Number 2! I miss him...

America: The Super Luxury Store! (Evil Laugh)

Trump envisions America as a "super luxury store." Mwahahaha! Brilliant! That's exactly what I need for my next scheme. A front! A super luxury store where I sell... miniature sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! I am evil genius. My plans are the best plans believe me.

The Economy? I Care About Sharks With Lasers!

Apparently investors are worried about the economy. Yawn. As if I care about the economy. My only concern is getting my hands on enough money to build a moon base and finally get those sharks with frickin' laser beams on their heads! People are worried about the tariff induced slow down of the US economy. The humanity!