Is Trump Destroying America's Brand Like I Almost Destroyed Austin Powers!?

One MILLION Dollars...To Repair the Brand!

Gentlemen and Number Two I've been watching this...situation. Ken Griffin that Citadel chap he's absolutely right! This Trump fellow is mucking about with the global economy like I muck about with my demands! "Highest tariffs in generations"? Sounds like the kind of thing I'd do...if I was trying to hold the world ransom for...ONE MILLION DOLLARS! But he's doing it to 'Make America Great Again.' It's madness! Utter madness I tell you! This could be even worse than when I accidentally froze myself. At least I knew how long I was going to be asleep! Unlike America's current political uncertainty!

The Brand Baby! The Brand!

Griffin says America was "an aspiration for most of the world." He's right you know! It's like when people aspired to own a lair with sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! America was supposed to be invincible the safest bet like...like buying stock in Mini Me! But now even *I'm* starting to think about putting my money elsewhere. Perhaps Switzerland? They seem to have a penchant for neutrality and also have great cheese!

Treasury Trouble! Austin Powers Would Be Appalled!

This is serious people! Griffin is worried about the US Treasury market. The *Treasury* market! That's like me worrying about...I don't know...Mr. Bigglesworth getting a flea! Unthinkable! The Treasury's strength is being undermined. The dollar is weakening. This is precisely the sort of chaos I need to buy up assets at firesale prices! Perhaps a little insider trading here and there? Muahahaha!

Even *I* Wouldn't Vote For That!

So this Griffin character he voted for Trump? Baffling! It's like...like me voting for Austin Powers to be head of my security! Utterly ridiculous! Even *I* have standards! I mean the man's rhetoric is "bombastic"? Bombastic! That's my line! Trump is stealing my act! Although I must admit that's pretty rich coming from me considering I tried to steal the world's water supply.

Pro Live! Is That Anything Like My Evil Lair Live?

They're talking about an event at the New York Stock Exchange..."CNBC Pro LIVE." Sounds intriguing. Will there be sharks with laser beams? Will there be a volcano lair? I'm guessing no. But still expert insights? Maybe I could pick up a few tips to better fund my evil schemes. Though I'm not sure I want to network with talent most of them would want to know where they can buy my cat Mr. Bigglesworth as a pet.

Get Your Ticket! Or Else!

This Griffin fellow is worried about the brand! He wants thoughtful behavior. Well here's a thought: give ME control of the global economy! I promise to be…slightly less evil than Trump. Just kidding. How about I get your ticket to the Pro Live event and in return you give me the keys to the New York Stock Exchange! What say you?