Coinbase Joins S&P 500: One MILLION Dollars!

Discover's Demise: Good Riddance!

Mwah hah ha! Discover Financial Services is out and Coinbase is in! They're being acquired by Capital One which is almost as boring as my son Scott. This gives me an idea... Maybe I should acquire Capital One! Then I could finally get that ONE MILLION dollars!

Bitcoin's Boom: I Should Have Bought More!

Bitcoin's soaring eh? Topping $100,000! Blast it! If only I hadn't been so focused on sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads I could have been swimming in digital gold! Foiled again!

Coinbase's Wild Ride: Volatility My Favorite Flavor!

Volatile you say? Trading well below its peak? Excellent! That's where I come in! I’ll buy low manipulate the market and then… mwah hah ha… sell HIGH! It's all part of my master plan to… wait for it… hold the world ransom for ONE... MILLION... DOLLARS!

The S&P 500: A Tech Titan's Playground

So this S&P 500 is adding more tech companies? Dell Palantir… sounds like a convention for supervillain tech suppliers! Maybe I should invest in Palantir. They could probably build me a better doomsday device than the last guy. Remember that guy? He wanted TWO million dollars! Outrageous!

Profits? Pish Posh! It's All About Control!

They need to be profitable to join this little club? Fine fine. Coinbase made some money. But it’s not about the money it’s about… POWER! With Coinbase in the S&P 500 I can exert my influence on the world financial system! All part of the plan baby! Yeah!

Dubai Acquisition: Expanding My Empire (of Evil!)

Coinbase is buying a crypto derivatives exchange in Dubai? Smart move! That's how I'll take over the crypto world! Of course my lair will be on the dark side of the moon. Very shadowy. You can't even see it.