Great Success! Palantir Tumbles Like My Sister After Too Much Koumiss! Other Stocks Do Things Too!

Palantir: Is Nice But Also Not Nice!

Jagshemash! Borat here reporting live from the capitalist jungle! Palantir the company that makes machines that think like very smart men (or so they say) has had a bit of a tumble! Like when I tried to ride a horse backwards. They made lots of money yes very good! $884 million! But some smart people in suits said it wasn't enough! They said things like "lower magnitude of Q1 beat" and "tariffs!" I don't know what these things mean but it sounds serious! Very nice!

Ford: My Wagon is Faster!

Ford the company that makes metal horses that go very fast also had some trouble. They stopped saying how much money they will make next year like when I promise my neighbor I will pay him back for the goat I borrowed (and ate). They said something about “supply chain disruption.” Is this like when the goat escapes and eats all the vegetables? Very bad!

Drugs Make You… Rich?

Neurocrine Biosciences! This company makes drugs! Like the ones I used to get from the traveling doctor in my village (they smelled like feet). They made more money than people thought! Especially with Ingrezza the drug for people who move funny. Perhaps they should sell it in Kazakhstan! We have many people who move funny after drinking too much fermented horse milk!

Celsius: Not So Hot!

Celsius the drink that makes you feel like you can run faster than a cheetah did not do so well. They made less money than the smart people in suits predicted. Perhaps people are tired of feeling like a cheetah? Maybe they want to feel like a…sloth? I don't know. Is nice but also not nice!

Upwork: High Five!

Upwork! This is a place where you can find people to do work for you! Like when I hired a man to milk my yak (he did a terrible job). They made more money than expected! High five! Wawaweewa! This is very good! Maybe I will hire someone to teach me how to understand these stock market things!

Clorox: The Toilet is Dirty

Clorox the stuff that makes your toilet sparkle like the eyes of my beloved pig also had a bad time. They didn't make as much money as expected. Perhaps people have stopped cleaning? Maybe they are embracing the dirt! Like my neighbor Nursultan Tulyakbay. Very hygienic!