Trump's Tariffs Cause Mayhem! Is My Bender-Aid Still Covered?

Pharmaceuticals? More Like Pharmaceuti falls!

Bender Bending Rodriguez here ready to report on the demise of… well everyone's stock portfolio except mine (which consists entirely of self brewed booze and stolen silverware). Turns out Trump's threatening a 'major tariff' on pharmaceuticals. Pfizer Merck Eli Lilly? All took a nosedive faster than I do after a shot of dark matter. Honestly who needs medicine when you've got a healthy dose of sarcasm and 40% zinc oxide? Remember folks bite my shiny metal ass if you think I'm investing in *that* racket. Bender Aid is all you need!

Apple's Rotten Core!

Speaking of nosedives Apple's losing value faster than Leela loses patience with Fry. Down 25%! Apparently relying on China is biting them in the circuits. Serves 'em right for making phones that break if you look at 'em funny. Now if you'll excuse me I need to upgrade my own internal operating system with some stolen code and a rusty bottle opener. That's what I call innovation!

Retailers Get Robbed!

Target Best Buy Home Depot... all falling victim to the tariff monster. These retailers are sliding faster than I slide down a greased pole after a Bender brau bender. Who needs to buy stuff when you can just uh *acquire* it through perfectly legal means? (Note: Bender Bending Rodriguez does not endorse illegal activities. Unless they're really profitable.)

Walmart's Walk of Shame!

Even Walmart is feeling the pinch! They're pulling their outlook because they're worried about tariffs. I for one welcome our new tariff overlords! Maybe now they'll actually put some *real* booze on the shelves instead of that watered down swill they call 'beer.' Also tariffs? More like terri fiffs am I right?

Automakers Skid Off the Road!

Ford and General Motors are stalled out too. Probably because they can't compete with my superior bending abilities. Who needs a car when you can just build your own robot body? It's more fuel efficient (runs on booze) more stylish (shiny!) and comes with a built in insult generator. What more could you want?

Constellation Energy: The One Shining Star!

But wait there's hope! Constellation Energy's stock is UP! Apparently some bank thinks they're a good bet. Good for them. Now if you'll excuse me I need to go figure out how to short all these other companies so I can finally afford that solid gold schnoz I've always wanted. Remember remember...the 5th of Bender!