Bite My Shiny Metal Market: Trump's First 100 Days Tank Harder Than I Do After a Bender Bending Rodriguez Convention!

Worst. 100 Days. Ever! (Almost)

Greetings meatbags! Bender Bending Rodriguez here your financial guru… or at least a robot who can count higher than most politicians. Turns out President… uh… the orange guy… had a rough start. His first 100 days? Fuggedaboutit! The S&P 500 went down 7.9%. That's like finding out the beer machine only dispenses prune juice. Disgusting! Apparently only Nixon did worse back in '73. And we all know how that ended eh? Resignation Watergate… the works. I'd rather be melting down in a supernova. At least then I'd be shiny.

Euphoria? More Like 'Eww foria!'

Remember after the election? Everyone was all 'Oh tax cuts! Deregulation! The world's gonna be made of GOLD!' (Or in my case osmium.) The S&P 500 went up 3.7%! But then the party ended faster than Fry trying to understand quantum physics. Turns out the big cheese started pushing for trade wars and tariffs. Suddenly everyone remembered why economics is boring and depressing. Good news everyone! Another Great Depression might be brewing!

Tariffs? More Like Terrifying!

So the orange one announced some 'reciprocal' tariffs. Reciprocal schmeciprocal! The market face planted harder than I do after a night at Elzar's. Lost 10% in two days! Almost went into bear market territory! I mean bears? In the stock market? What is this a Zoidberg convention? He walked it back later but the damage was done. It's like trying to un drink a case of Olde Fortran Malt Liquor. You just can't.

Clarity? We Don't Need No Stinkin' Clarity!

Some brainiac named Jeffrey Hirsch says he's not convinced we're out of the woods yet. Says there's a 'lack of clarity' and 'continuing uncertainty' in Washington. Well DUH! That's like saying I have a drinking problem! I'm 40% clarity! The rest is just doom and gloom. And maybe a little bit of spare change I found in a dumpster.

Shiny and Gone!

The S&P 500 hit a high of 6,144.15. Now? It's down to 5,525.21. All the post election gains? Gone! Poof! Like my hopes and dreams of becoming a folk singer. But hey at least he has two more days to turn things around. Maybe he can pull a rabbit out of his… you know. I'm not holding my breath though. I've seen better performances from Calculon in a high school play.

Bender's Investing Tips (Don't Take Them)

So what's a robot to do? My advice? Invest in booze and cigars. Those things will never go out of style. Also maybe invest in a good doomsday bunker. Just in case. Remember I love you! Now get out there and earn me some money... or I'll bite your shiny metal ass!