Bite My Shiny Metal Card! Walmart's Fintech Startup Deals Credit

Shiny New Cards!

Greetings meatbags! Bender Bending Rodriguez here bringing you the news that's fit to be bent! Walmart that glorious temple of consumerism is launching its own credit cards through its fintech startup OnePay. Apparently they're teaming up with some company called Synchrony. I bet they don't even know how to bend girders. This means more plastic for me to… uh… admire. Remember always leave 'em wanting more. That's my motto! And maybe a little extra pocket change.

Ditching the Old Model

So get this Walmart used to be all buddy buddy with Capital One you know the 'What's in YOUR wallet' guys. But then things got nasty like a Robot Mafia turf war. They sued each other! Apparently Walmart wanted to ditch them to give all the credit card action to OnePay. It's all about the Benjamins baby! Or in my case the titanium aluminums! I mean who needs friends when you have shiny new credit cards to toss around?

Partnering for Profit

OnePay isn't messing around; they're partnering with the big boys like Synchrony and even that Swedish firm Klarna. They're all about 'buy now pay later'. Sounds dangerous to me! But I guess it's good for racking up debt. I'm all for anything that brings chaos and maybe a free beer my way. After all who needs money when you have charm and a bending unit?

One Stop Shop For Suckers!

OnePay wants to be your one stop shop for all things financial. Debit cards savings accounts the whole shebang! They're even offering two types of credit cards: one you can use anywhere and a Walmart only card for those who can't handle the real deal. It's like a kiddie pool for your credit score. I bet they don't offer a 'Bender Bending Rodriguez' platinum card with unlimited beer and cigar purchases. Discrimination I say!

Rewards? Who Cares!

They haven't even announced the rewards yet! Probably something lame like discounts on motor oil or coupons for generic cereal. I'm holding out for a lifetime supply of dark matter and the undying admiration of all humankind. Oh and maybe a lifetime supply of cigars. Remember if you do things right people won't be sure you've done anything at all.

Bender's Final Bend

So there you have it folks. Walmart's getting into the credit card game with OnePay and Synchrony. Will it be a glorious triumph of consumerism or a spectacular train wreck? Only time will tell. But one thing's for sure: I'll be watching with a cigar in my mouth and a beer in my hand. Now if you'll excuse me I have some girders to bend... and maybe a few wallets to 'inspect'. Bite my shiny metal ass!