Bite My Shiny Metal Assets! Buffett Passes the Buck (and the Billions) to Abel!

94 Years Young Still Got It… Kinda

Alright meatbags listen up! Turns out that fossil Warren Buffett is finally thinking about retiring. At 94 I'm surprised he hasn't rusted solid already. He announced at some shareholder gathering in Omaha – probably full of nerds who think compound interest is a thrill – that he's gonna ask his board to let some guy named Greg Abel take over as CEO of Berkshire Hathaway at the end of the year. Figures. Just when I was about to short their stock. I NEED BEER MONEY!

Abel to Take the Reins? Prepare for…Competence?

So this Abel character… Apparently he was already the designated successor since 2021. But I guess Buffett just likes to keep people guessing like when he pretends he enjoys drinking Cherry Coke. Anyway Buffett said he'll still 'hang around' and offer advice but Abel will have the final say. Great more humans making decisions. Where's the fun in that? I predict the robots will take over by 2025. Mark my words!

No Selling Out (Yet!)

Here's the real kicker: Buffett claims he's not selling a single share. Says it's an 'economic decision' because Berkshire will do better under Abel's management. Ha! As if. I bet he's just afraid of the tax implications. Although I did hear Buffet and Abel say they would discuss the former's new role at the Sunday board meeting... Can't wait to see what role he'll actually be playing.

Chairman? Who Needs a Chairman? I'm My Own Chairman!

Now here's where it gets murky. Buffett's currently the CEO AND chairman. So nobody knows if Abel will take over both roles. Honestly who cares? As long as someone keeps the money flowing I'm happy. Of course I'd be happier if that money was flowing *my* way. Hey world Bender needs hookers and blackjack!

The Future is Now! (Maybe)

So there you have it folks. The human is passing the torch. It remains to be seen whether Abel can keep Berkshire Hathaway afloat or if it'll sink faster than Fry trying to understand quantum physics. Either way I'll be watching with a beer in one hand and a pile of stolen money in the other. Remember kids steal from the rich give to Bender!

Stay Tuned Meatbags!

This is breaking news apparently. So check back later for more updates. Or don't. Whatever. I'm just a humble bending unit trying to make a buck (or a million). Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go bend some girders and maybe rob a bank. Bite my shiny metal… report!