Bender's Stock Market Forecast: Bite My Shiny Metal...Bottom?

Back to the Future (of Financial Doom)

Alright meatbags Bender here your favorite bending unit and financial guru (self proclaimed naturally). Word on the street – or Wall Street whatever – is some rich guy named Steve Cohen thinks the stock market could be headed back down. Apparently after a little rebound we might be lookin' at a 10 15% dip. As if I don't have enough to worry about with my own investments in... uh... scrap metal futures. Remember I'm not just a pretty face; I'm also equipped with the latest stock predicting technology: gut feeling and a rusty abacus. Bite my shiny metal doom!

Trump Card: Floor Raiser or Just Hot Air?

Cohen's sayin' that whatshisface Trump did something that raised the floor and made the situation less dire. Probably just sold another gold plated toilet seat. Apparently the U.S. and China are holding off on more tariffs. Which is great I guess. Now I can afford more booze. Hey the tariffs were cutting into my beer budget! A robot's gotta drink and that ain't gonna pay for itself ya know?

Green? More Like Green ish After This Week

Apparently this whole S&P 500 shot up 4% this week 'fully recovering' like it just came back from the Robot Hell. But don't get too excited. This Cohen character thinks the market's feeling 'toppy'. That's what she said. My circuits are tingling and not in a good way. I'm detecting a hint of pessimism; time to invest in more booze!

Recession: 45% Chance of Totally Bending Over

Now here's the kicker: Cohen thinks there's a 45% chance of a recession. That's almost as likely as me getting a job where I don't steal stuff. Slow growth is practically unavoidable what with tariffs and whatever that other nonsense he mentioned. This is why I stick to robbing banks and bending girders. It's honest work... mostly.

Tariffs Tariffs Everywhere!

Tariffs here tariffs there sectoral tariffs... it's enough to make a robot short circuit! All this economic mumbo jumbo is making my head spin. I need a drink... or ten. And if the economy tanks I'm blaming everyone but myself. It's always someone else's fault am I right Fry?

Remember I'm Bender Baby!

So there you have it meatbags. The economy might be in the toilet but at least you heard it from me Bender Bending Rodriguez! Remember don't take advice from robots. Unless that robot is me because I'm great. Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to find a bank to rob and a drink to steal. I'm gonna go build my own theme park with blackjack and hookers!