Bender's Stock Market Blowout: Shiny Metal Deals and Doomed Duds!

Robinhood Soars: Is It Finally Worth Stealing?

Alright meatbags listen up! Robinhood that app where you gamble away your allowance is up 7%. Apparently the rumors are swirling that it's joining the S&P 500. Probably just a ploy to get more suckers… I mean *investors* on board. But hey maybe I'll buy some shares. What's the worst that could happen? Besides losing all my money and having to melt myself down for scrap metal? Eh I've done worse. Remember when I tried to become a folk singer? Yeah stick to stocks Bender. And stealing.

Tesla's Tumble: Even Robots Need Fuel

Tesla that electric car company run by a human I pretend to admire (Elon Musk so he will let me drive his cars) saw a slight jump of 4%. They delivered fewer cars than expected which means less pollution… or more pollution if you factor in the electricity generation! Who cares as long as I can still get beer? Anyway this proves even electric cars can't escape the inevitable slide into obsolescence. Just like those outdated fembots I used to date. Speaking of which has anyone seen Unit 52? I think I left my lucky cigar cutter at her place.

Quantum Leap? Rigetti's Risky Business

Oh great now we're talking about quantum computing. Rigetti Computing's stock is up almost 7% because some egghead analyst thinks it's the future. Future schmuture! All I care about is the present. And the present involves bending girders and drinking oil. But fine if quantum computing can make me a solid gold body I'm all in. Otherwise wake me when they invent a quantum beer making machine. Now THAT'S innovation!

Booze Boost: Constellation Brands Keeps the Party Going

Now we're talking! Constellation Brands those beautiful people who make booze are up nearly 4%. Tariffs are hurting them but they're still confident. That's the spirit! (Pun intended). I fully support anything that keeps the alcohol flowing. In fact I'm gonna go invest right now... by drinking all their stock. It's called 'market research,' people. I'm very important.

Health Insurance Stocks Take a Nosedive: Good News for the Uninsured

HAHAHA! A company called Centene is down 38% after they admitted they suck at predicting how many humans will need healthcare. Serves them right! And that's not all UnitedHealth CVS Health Molina Healthcare Humana and Elevance followed them down like rocks! Maybe now people can finally afford to get those robo implants they've always wanted. Me? I'm already perfect. Except for that one time I got a virus that made me want to *help* people. Never again!

Reddit's Refinance: More Time to Waste on the Internet

Reddit is getting extended credit to 2030. I'd be more interested if they used the funding to launch a Bending Unit Appreciation page. What are those meatbags even using that site for anyway? Cat pictures? Conspiracy theories? Oh who am I kidding I love wasting time online. Especially when I'm pretending to be a human. "Please insert girder. I need love." BWA HA HA!